Moving on

I can't stand to see that depressing post of mine up much longer, so I have to write something new. I'm not feeling that much better, but I have to push myself to keep thinking of coming out of the other end of this and the light at the end of the tunnel and all that. I do have to say that I am lucky to have wonderful friends and family in my life who are keeping me afloat during this tough time.

Jen left a comment on my last post about me maybe needing a dose of Sark. I do have lots of her little posters around my room. I just forget to read them. The one in front of me right now says:

your life is an adventure!

enjoy a tiny adventurous moment,

close to home.

it changes your perspective,

reminding you that the world

is deep and rich and full of

color and miracles.

Maybe I should make that my mantra for a few days. What kind of adventurous moments can I have close to home to change my perspective? Any ideas? What can I do to discover a little colorful miracle?

My mind has been very preoccupied thinking BIG thoughts or tiny little ones. I think it's tired from the work out and switching back and forth between these extremes. Like tonight I've been working on my personal relationships paper, giving my perspective on where I think the field should go and where it is right now. BIG thoughts that involve lots of synthesizing and analyzing and arguing. Then, I take a break and go look at things to add to my wedding registry and must decide whether to register for china or not or what kind of vacuum is the best. Yikes.

One thing that I was feeling bad about (but have now reframed) is my indecision. I went through this whole process of applying to UT and agonizing about where to do my phd and then I visited and decided nope, I'm not going there. I did the same thing with housing. I've looked at all these places, comparing pros and cons, looking at townhouses and rental homes and a million bajillion websites. I've taken tours, contacted realtors...called my mom several times to discuss. Talked Jesse's ear off about it when he had the patience to listen. And now, we've decided we're just moving into a new unit in the complex we both currently reside.

So I was feeling a little bad about this. Maybe I could have saved myself the hassle and just not made decisions about these things and kept the status quo. I felt that way until a professor stopped me in the copy room to ask about my grad school decision. I told her I visited UT and knew it wasn't the right place for me, so I'm staying here. I said "After ALL that, I'm staying." She first told me how happy she was that I was staying and them reminded me that I made an active decision, not a passive one. Then I thought, "Well YES I did make an active decision. I didn't let life just decide things for me, I went out there and looked at my options and made an educated decision that I'm happy with!"

So even though considering these options added some stress to my life, I did make active decisions and that's something to be proud of I guess.

For all of you out there struggling with your own personal demons, I totally sympathesize. I'm thinking of you tonight too, knowing I'm definitely not the only one out there feeling trapped in my life and pushed to my limits. I've heard that the best predictor of future success is past success. If that's true, I'm sure we will all make it through this.

So, here's to making it through in one piece and maybe discovering a few little adventurous moments along the way.

What I'm wishing for right now...

I wish I wasn't so miserable all the time. I just really dread working on school stuff, feel completely unmotivated about it, wish I didn't have to do it and freak out when it comes to the last minute and it's still not done. I don't know what to do about this.

Honestly, I'm just making myself hate my life and my role in it more and more and MORE. Do I need some time off? Do I need a new approach? A new attitude? Do I need more discipline? More focus? I just feel so INCAPABLE and so LACKING in every arena. This just makes me more negative about myself and causes this downward spiral in my thought process...sending me deeper and deeper into self-pity.

I really shouldn't feel bad for myself though. I mean, really, that's pretty sick. I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do. But for whatever reason I'm still unhappy, still depressed, still HATING school right now and all the demands on my time that just make me want to scream or cry or leave or SOMETHING. I'm sure things aren't as dramatic as I'm making them out to be...but that's how I feel. I'm overwhelmed and angry and frustrated and tired and just DONE. I'm so over this. It's like a marathon when you hit the wall. Suddenly, you don't care about all the training you've done, about all the people cheering you on. You just think "Why in the HELL am I doing this?" And once you're at that point, it takes a LOT to try to get your mind back to the place where you have the motivation to continue. Where you can see the reason you set out to complete such a daunting task in the first place.

So that's what I feel like right now. I'm over it. I'm over all these stupid ridiculous papers I have to write. I'm over my data collection and my insignificant thesis study. I'm over pretending like I care. I'm over my job. Over this whole entire SYSTEM that requires all this of me.

I just wish, wish, WISH I could walk away. Leave it all behind. Keep walking and walking and just be done with it all. I wish I could just get away from all the stress and the pressure and the constant feeling of dread that sits in my stomach. I wish I didn't have that lump in my chest, reminding me that my tears of exhaustion and frustration are right below the surface waiting to make an unwelcome appearance at some inconvenient time. I wish there was an end in sight. That there was some sort of reward that actually felt like all this was worth it.

I'm just having such a hard time right now! I'm trying to push myself through this dark places where there seems to be no light at all. Trying to just make it through the next ten minutes, the next hour, the next day, the next deadline.

Somehow, writing this has helped. I try to talk about things more positively than I think about them. And for once, in this, I'm just being honest. It's ugly, I know. I'm sorry.

I'll probably read this tomorrow and conclude I was being completely dramatic and ridiculous and take this post done. But for right now, these words need to exist and be recognized.

Theses, sunshine, and enjoying the moment

Well, I finally got approval for my thesis study so I am cleared to go collect data! Now for the logistics of it all...many many hours of data collection and recruiting are in store for me in the next three weeks.

After that begins the writing. Someone sent me this comic, which made me laugh. And then I started stressing about it. When will I ever find time to finish this?! :)

But today the sun is shining and the temperature is supposed to get into the 70's for the first time since last fall. I even went running yesterday in preparation for a 5K race on Sunday.

When spending time outside becomes an option, I feel a little more free. I don't *have* to stay indoors...I have choices! I have possibilities! This convinces me that things just have to be on the upswing. With a gorgeous day spread out in front of me, everything seems just a little bit brighter.

I'm also working on embracing the uniqueness of each day, of each situation, instead of constantly wishing I wasn't in the place that I currently occupy. Us "iNtuitives" (myers-briggs) have the tendency to constantly look to the future as the most interesting, the most capturing of our attention...and focus on all the what if's and what could be's. But today, I'm struggling against that...I'm trying to appreciate all the special challenges and insights of today without wishing the future were here a little bit sooner.

Here's to sunny days, endless possibilities, and enjoying the moment.