tuesday thoughts

well, here i sit on tuesday morning...the day stretched out ahead of me. i have a take home final to complete today. but before i get started, i wanted just a few minutes to reflect about where i am today.

yesterday i met with my advisor and got really excited about where we are going with my thesis data. we're trying to re-analyze it to get it ready to submit to a conference with the hopes of eventually publishing it. although finishing this has nothing to do with my classes, it is satisfying to work on it and exciting. it gives me a tiny bit of hope that i am actually excited about something school-related.

this past weekend was really rough trying to work through my two take home stat exams. i think i'm still trying to shake that frustration and feeling that i'm really stupid and don't know anything.

during my first semester here i was completely and totally overwhelmed during finals week. looking back, it was a lot - the classes i was taking were definitely demanding. anyway, my roommate left town early, so i sat alone in my apartment, snowed in, and in tears. i made a running tally of everything that had to be done, partly out of self-pity (i posted it on my profile on IM to show the world what graduate school was making me do!) and partly out of a desire to see even one damn thing crossed off that list.

anyway, i don't know why i am thinking of that now. i guess because i have come a long way. there is a lot i've learned in the past two and a half years about time-management and sheer will. you really can do whatever you set your mind to. and it's amazing how somehow things always get done. somehow you pull it off, even if you didn't think you could. that's kind of comforting, even if it is you who has to do it all.

well tomorrow at noon i have to turn in this last final of the semester and then calculate all my 70 students grades and deal with all those complaints. hopefully after that, though, i can get my mind back and really try to focus on the spirit of this season and really celebrating all the things that i am thankful for and all that this year of 2005 has taught me, with all its struggles and joys. it's been quite a wild ride.

dreams and messages encoded

so maybe god isn't just speaking to me through dove chocolates (see previous posts), but through dreams!

my mom just called me to tell me she had a very vivid dream about me last night and wanted to pass it along. it was something like this:

i told her i had lost something very, very important to me. it was some sort of wallet type purse thing but i hadn't seen it for several days. i thought i knew where i left it, but others were unsure that it would still be there after all this time.

i convinced my mom to go with me to the place i thought i left it, which was some sort of beach house several hours away. she decided that since it was really important to me and i really thought i could find it that she would go with me.

i guess other people had been in and out of that house (possibly friends?) and when we got there, my mom looked on the coffee table shelf and it was right there. i was so so so happy that it was found and we celebrated that we did it -- we found it. she commented that the people in the house must really care about me since they didn't take it and left it here after all that time and that everyone thought i was wrong for thinking it would still be here, but it was. so the long trip was worth it.

anyway, okay, so interpretations! i first thought that my wallet represented my identity and i was searching for who i was or something like that.

her interpretation was that this wallet thing was my old faith that i used to have in god and that i thought i knew where i left it, but others doubted it would still be there. she's not sure where she comes into play, but she believed me enough to take the long drive with me back to the place where i thought i lost it and then together we found it and it made me really, really happy.

Hmm...any other interpretations? i once heard that everyone in your dreams is really just parts of you...but maybe in this case, it was actually a message for me, not just for my mom. a message of hope or something.

Distractions

do you think it's bad that i actually thought about looking up motivation on dictionary.com just as a way to do something besides what i'm supposed to be doing?

now that i said that and put it out in the universe, i mine as well just do it.

motivation: n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior

so if i lack motivation, does that mean i have a psychological problem? or i just haven't found the "purpose or direction" of my behavior?

hmm. so the purpose behind two take-home stat finals, a psych final, final grades for 70 students, and another draft of a paper for publication? Hmm. Not quite sure on that.

Aren't you guys so sick of reading about me being in school? I'm sick of writing about it. I wish my life was more interesting!

Here's some other things about today:

my dog loves to lay by our gas fireplace. it's so cute. he stays there until he starts panting and then wants to go out in the snow for awhile. today, i joined him and fell asleep on my freshly vacuumed floor right by the flames.

i ate at least 3 more little dove dark chocolates today. i received many new messages, including "be mischievous" or something like that.

i didn't make coffee today...i'm testing to see whether i'm addicted yet.

i started to write another thing, but it was about school, so i decided to stop. this section is supposed to be about all the other interesting things in my life.

okay, one more. i realized that DVR is more amazing than i previously recognized. i can now tape work-outs from fitTV and do them whenever i want. i have a new tv trainer. his name is gilad and he talks like arnold schwarzenegger*. i like to imitate him to keep myself entertained. he likes to say things like "Thank you for trusting your body with me! Together we will make a difference!" It is inspiring and creepy at the same time.


*i had to look up how to spell his name so don't be impressed.

wednesday afternoons

Well, the last post I wrote was last Wednesday afternoon when I was feeling distracted and not able to do work. And here we find ourselves again this Wednesday!

Here are some realizations I have come to this week:

When you're not depressed, life is a lot easier. Somehow, Thanksgiving break gave me the recharge I needed and the cloud of depression has lifted and made me feel a million times lighter. Every good day I have had since Thanksgiving has been so amazing and really felt like a gift from god. I keep wondering when it will end and when I will go back to dreading every day like before...but for now, I'm enjoying it! I still have just as much stress and just as many assignments to get done but for some reason, it is OKAY! for some reason, all the positives of my situation are becoming a lot more evident to me and focusing on them helps get me through.

I am addicted to those little dove dark chocolates -- you know the ones I am talking about? they come individually wrapped and have cute little messages inside like "write a love letter this week" or "smile before you go to bed, you'll sleep better." but the other day i got one that said "don't think about it so much" and it resonated with me so much that i put it on the fridge. a little crumpled foil wrapper with a message just for me. sometimes you gotta let things go.

another little cliche i have been thinking about is 'fake it until you make it'. have you heard this one? i think that this is also what i need to do right now. i do value authenticity, but there is something to be said for just pretending and hoping that the rest of your mind and emotions will follow. it's like living your vision of how you want to be before you're really there. maybe it draws you forward somehow and helps turn you into whatever it is you're pretending to be.

speaking of vision, this is something i really want to work to develop. what is the vision i have for my life? what is the vision i have for myself? how can i work to develop that vision so clearly that i really can work to make it happen. funny, but i think there was a message in the dove chocolate about this too! it said 'write down a list of your dreams so you can make them a reality'. is god speaking to me through chocolates?! if so, i'll keep eating them! :)