Twenty Something

Time Marches On

2010-03-20T13:58:00.002-04:00

I could start this blog by apologizing about how I haven't written in so long, but I was never a consistent bloggger. And no one reads this anyway!

It's the end of spring break, although there is snow on the ground. We didn't go anywhere this year because it's too stressful with three dogs that don't get along and we're trying to save money for all our trips to weddings this summer. I spent a good deal of time over the last few weeks looking up trips to exotic destinations and imagining that we could just pick up and go and spend hours on a beach somewhere reading books. I knew we weren't actually going to go, but I enjoyed the distraction, the research. I love looking at options, even if there is nothing to show for it at the end.

The dust is settling in Iowa. I feel more comfortable in my life here and in my job as a professor. I have more friends. And a routine. Things are more familiar and comfortable. I have different pockets of people I know from circles in my life I become a part of. And that feels good. But, this winter was hard on me. Christmas break wasn't much of a break and involved way too much traveling and stressful experiences. I came back feeling unrefreshed and uninspired. And then winter settled in and sucked the life and energy out of me. I've been working late on campus every night and coming home exhausted. I usually love cooking and haven't even stepped foot in a grocery store in months, let alone cooked anything. But, I'm trying to look ahead...and remember that every winter sort of feels like this. And things get better and the days get longer and you start to have things to be excited about again.

I really had a fun time this past week having a break from teaching. I have managed to stay away from the office and we had a few warm days, so I built a raised garden bed. Broke two drill bits in the process, but I was still proud of myself for building it! I figured out how to unclog a drain and cleaned out the garage. I organized a closet and had people over for a clothing swap. I went shopping and to the dog park. So, now that it's Saturday and I have 50 papers to grade and classes start again on Monday...I'm sad again. Hopefully, I can hold on to some of the momentum I've gained in the past week and keep my spirits up through the rest of the semester.

It's funny how when you're a professor, your life ebbs and flows around the university's calendar. The beginning of the semester brings a new routine and new students and those weeks where you're still getting adjusted. And then a lull where you feel like you've gotten a handle on things. Then, stress with grading and deadlines. Then a mid-semester break and a sprint to the end.

I'm still learning a lot about myself these days...trying to figure out how to balance the things and people that are important to me, how to keep myself productive and moving forward, how to be a good friend and a good wife. And learning a lot about what it means to get older and make decisions about the trajectory of your life and where it's headed. I'm only a few years away from 30...and that scares me!

Anyway, I really don't have much else to say...except maybe I should get back to grading and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Spring Fever

2009-04-09T15:37:00.003-04:00

Does spring fever refer to situations where it's so nice outside that you can't concentrate? Or the feeling you have when you want Spring to come? Because I am feverish in my desire for Spring to get here. I was patient all through winter. I knew it would be bad. I expected it. But snow in April? That, I did not expect. And the fact that it gets into the 20's at night means it is not safe to plant flowers outside. This makes me sad.

But, time is so funny that way. In other senses, I feel like I haven't gotten much done this semester. I wish I had more time before the semester ended to feel like I got things accomplished. Jesse keeps reminding me that time and productivity are not linear. Just because I didn't get things done for a few weeks doesn't mean I can't get a ton done in one week. Plus, I'm not a student anymore and my life doesn't revolve around semesters as much...things just have to get done at some point.

I think I'm finally settling into my life here a little more, but part of me still feels lost. It's Easter this weekend and for some reason that makes me sad. Easter wasn't my favorite holiday, but it was a memorable one. My mom used to let me buy a new outfit to wear to church on Easter. I loved that. One year, in fifth or sixth grade, I somehow got away with buying a purple spandex dress with a built-in t-shirt tie to wear. It was not church appropriate, but at the time, I thought it was fabulous. I actually still have that dress. Funny how clothing holds memories like that.

So, it's Easter and I have no new dress to buy and nowhere to wear a new dress to anyway. I'm not part of a church and I don't have family nearby to have a big meal with. I honestly keep forgetting it's Easter...and that makes me sad, too. Not sure what I'm sad about exactly. But it makes me feel like an outsider and it makes me miss all my family back on the east coast.

Today I was supposed to go to a new faculty workshop on effective writing habits. I was running late and hungry and didn't feel like walking a quarter of a mile to get there...so I didn't go. Strangely, I could really use some pointers right now. I know I should be better at this whole self-motivated thing...but I guess I'm not a very consistent person. Sometimes I get a lot done, but lately, I take my time. Try not to stress. But then, that worries me.

Part of it might be that 2008 was a crazy year. Finishing my PhD in record time was a sprint. And I'm out of breath. Even though this year was hard, at least it was a sort of "active recovery", as they refer to in fitness. You're still moving, but at a slower pace, so you can catch your breath and recover.

I'm hoping to burst out of this slow motion movement soon. But I don't even feel a rush about that...

I got a new puppy. I mean, Jesse agreed, but it was definitely more my idea. My mom's first response was "Are you that lonely that you really needed to get a THIRD dog?" She wasn't crazy about the first dog I got, even though he was technically a graduation present from both my parents. I think I just needed a little creature in my life to take care. And I realized, I've gotten dogs around all the big transitions in my life: I got Kito when I started grad school, we got Sake after we got married, and then Yoshi when we moved to Iowa. Three Shibas and the three huge life-altering changes that they represent. I was never allowed to have dogs growing up, so I guess I'm making up for it now.

Yoshi caused a whole new set of problems. Turns out three dogs is a lot more work than two. And I forgot how disruptive a puppy can be in your life. Jesse and I had some issues to work through about that...but now that he's been part of our little "pack" for two months, he is fitting in and life is running more smoothly.

Lots of things are going to change in the next few months. New people are joining our faculty, new grad students will be coming in the fall. I looked at my bus pass today and thought about that. It expires on December 31st, 2009. And I always wonder how different things will be by then. I'll still be standing at my usual bus stop, holding that same bus pass...but things will be different. I always think about things like that, for some reason. Looking at blank calendars of months to come. Or at expiration dates on bus passes.

For now, I should really try to wake myself out of this meandering state I've been in. Try to get something productive done on this Thursday afternoon. I show up every day at work, even though I could work from home most days. I figure that eventually, my office will feel like the kind of place that I can have great ideas in and get lots of stuff done. In the meantime, at least I'm developing the discipline of showing up. That's one step in the right direction, I guess.

My new so-called life

2008-10-05T18:23:00.003-04:00

Isn't it funny how things can change so drastically, and somehow people just adapt? That always amazes me. Even when I realize that it's happened to me -- somehow I made a big jump, a leap of faith, and managed to survive.

We packed up our life and moved to Iowa. I finished my PhD, I got a job, we bought a house. Major life events. Stressful ones, at that. When you wake up day to day, sometimes you don't realize how much things have changed. You don't realize how different your life is from just a few weeks before. And then there are other moments. Maybe just walking through the grocery store or driving down an unfamiliar street...and it just hits you. This is my life.

Last weekend I went back to Maryland. I have never had to take a plane to get home before. It was much more of an ordeal than a three hour car ride. But it made me appreciate being back at my parents house that much more. And it made me a little sad, too.

I have an office now. With my own phone. And business cards. And a locked door. A wide screen computer and my own printer.

But I don't really have any friends. Well, that's not entirely true. I have three or four friends. But compared to the community of people I had by the time I left grad school, I don't have any friends. I miss that sense of familiarity. The way you can just start talking, without any context, and they know what you mean. Or just the comfort in knowing that you'll always have a buddy to go shopping with or bounce ideas off of. Or ask, does this look okay?

It's always a strange experience meeting new people. Figuring out how to present yourself. How you want them to see you. Wondering what they'll see without you realizing.

No one believes I'm a professor. It was funny at first, but now it causes me anxiety. I want to be taken seriously. I want to look the part. I want to be good at what I do.

I know that every transition comes with gains and losses. And sometimes gains seems like losses and losses seem like gains. And you're not sure how to add it all up in your head. To make sense of the choices you've made.

My mom keeps saying to me "All your dreams came true!" This surprises me. I have never identified my career aspirations as dreams. In fact, I don't know if I've identified anything as a real dream. I guess running a marathon was a dream, and I did that. Owning a house was a dream, and now we have one. Complete with the fenced in yard that I so desperately wanted for my dogs. But for someone to tell you that you've arrived. You've made it to the destination labeled "your dreams"...that just seems somehow scary to me. It makes me analyze me new life in a new light. I'm not really sure what conclusions I'm drawing from that. But it never occurred to me until she said that finishing a PhD and getting a job in academia were my dreams. I almost didn't make it. All it takes is a look through the archives of this blog to see there were many times when I almost gave up.

I know this is disjointed and incoherent. But this is what's going through my head on a Sunday night when I'm sitting in my office trying to catch up on my work for the week. And talking to friends on the phone, hearing about familiar places, picturing my old cubicle in Sparks and my favorite computer in the grad student lab...it just hits me tonight that this is my life. And I guess I better get used to it.

Did you Publish Today?

2008-05-22T12:22:00.002-04:00

I love this article -- if you're wondering what I've been doing all these years, read this!

Where has the time gone?!

2008-05-11T19:03:00.002-04:00

I cannot beleive its been so many months since I last wrote a blog! August of 2007? So much has happened since then!

There's been a lot of the same thing with school and all. My biggest news, though, is that I got a job at the University of Iowa! I'll be starting there in the Fall as an assistant professor in the communciation department. I'm really excited about it. It's a great opportunity and will be a wonderful first job.

Of course, this means that I have to finish my dissertation in order to take the position (which starts on August 20th, by the way). So I just finished collecting data for the last of my three studies and the next few months will be filled with dissertation data analysis and writing. I'm a little scared about getting it all done...but I'm also confident that somehow it will all work out. It always does.

Jesse is excited about the move, too. His job is flexible so it can go with him. Even though we are so sad at the thought of leaving our friends, most of them will be graduating and moving on soon. It will be fun to have some many friends all over the country to go and visit.

We also bought a house (!!) which we go to closing for on June 2nd. I guess we don't technically own it yet, but we will very soon. It will be so nice to actually be able to say somewhere and get settled. We are already arranging to have the fence built -- the dogs are going to love the yard. I'm going to start composting and have an herb garden. And we're going to have enough space for all our stuff. I'm really looking foward to it.

In other news, Jesse passed his patent bar exam so he is officially a "patent agent" now. I'm so proud of him! All those hours of studying really paid off.

In news about my family, Brett got engaged on Christmas eve! He and Breana are getting married in November in Mexico. So that should be a really fun vacation for all of us! Jodi is studying abroad in London this semester and is traveling around now before coming home to MD for a few weeks. Trevor bought a condo in DC last summer and just got a promotion!

So, yeah, a lot has happened in the past months on all fronts!

Because of all of this, I definitely feel like I'm in the middle or on the brink of a transition. It's hard to comprehend all the changes that will be happening. I just hope we can adapt okay. And I really hope we can meet some nice people in Iowa. If you know anyone in Iowa city, let me know! I have such a great group of friends...I know it's going to be hard to leave everyone and be without our support system.

All in all, I'm so grateful for all that we've been blessed with...and I can't wait to see what is going to happen next!

Summer Days...

2007-08-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

So I never wrote to say that I passed comps...but I did! As my advisor said before my oral defense, "SLAM DUNK, Rachel!" That made me feel great. All these years of work and I was finally able to show that I have what it takes.

After getting over that hurdle, I finished up my very last semester of classes, collected LOTS of data in our cool interaction lab here, and now I'm teaching public speaking. We got to go to San Fran for a conference and then Jesse and I went to Napa and Sonoma Valley to tour the wineries. It was great!

Besides that, I've just been working hard doing research and trying to gear myself up for a year of writing my dissertation. I'm applying for jobs this Fall (as long as I get my diss proposal done). It's very exciting but there are a LOT of uncertainties.

Jesse and I did a lot of re-organizing and re-designing this summer, too. I have managed to work my way through every closet and room in our house. We even drove down to IKEA and borrowed my parents' van to buy new bedroom furniture and new bookcases for the office. It looks so great now -- we're really happy with how it turned out.

So, 10 more days until Fall semester starts...and for once in my life, I'm not taking any classes! I can't believe it. I'm teaching two classes though -- one 100 level public speaking course and then a 400 level interpersonal conflict course (which I'm very excited about).

Anyway, just wanted to write a quick update. Here's a picture of Jesse and I from Zach & Laura's wedding this weekend. It was a great time.

So close...

2007-04-08T13:51:00.000-04:00

I made it through my four timed in-house questions this week...and now it's Easter and I have this ONE more comps question to write before tomorrow and I am just OUT of energy. I'm sitting in the office, which is freezing cold, and I'm falling asleep while typing. It's really sad.

So, I'm trying to convince myself that this question doesn't have to be perfect. I just have to give it my best and let it go. Done is good, right? Just to complete it should be sufficient at this point.

I was talking to Brett yesterday and telling him how I had to sit in this room all by myself for hours and hours to write these questions and how it was such a weird experience. He said, "Well, it's almost like you're trying to become a monk and this is when they shave your head and give you the robes."

It's a good analogy, although I don't actually get my degree and get to wear the robes (literally) until I've gotten over the hurdle of writing my dissertation. Either way, I do feel "stripped" somehow. When I was writing as much as I could during those three hour chunks, it felt very raw. What other situations do people get to see your thinking in its most basic form - not having undergone editing and not having enough time to even re-think parts...you just have to go with your instinct and try to represent yourself well.

Anyway, I'm really just posting because I putting off this last question. Although it was torturous to be locked in a room and write and write...at least I knew it'd be over at the end of those three hours. With this last question, I keep dragging it on and on...

More later! Happy Easter!

I have a great support system!

2007-04-04T08:13:00.000-04:00

During this stressful time of comps, everyone is being so great! Kirsten gave me a survival kit a few weeks ago with starbucks, liquor, chocolate, a "damn-it" doll, and even a little bottle of champagne to celebrate with when I'm done!

Jesse brought me gerbers and has been taking over all my chores.

My parents sent me a gorgeous bouquet of pink tulips.

Keli gave me chocolate (hershey truffle kisses and dove dark chocolate!) with a framed picture of this quote:

"You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Dont' make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you." - Maya Angelou

And Laura sent me this quote:

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Unknown

Lots of others have sent me texts and other good luck wishes.

Before my first exam yesterday, I sat down and read some SARK as well as the affirmation book that my mom commissioned jen lemen to make for me. It was just the dose of self-confidence and calm I needed.

So, really this post is just to say THANK YOU to everyone for being a great support system!

comprehensive exams....

2007-04-02T17:22:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow at 9 AM my comprehensive exams begin! I'm actually really excited because I just want them to be over! I've been preparing and hopefully I'm ready. I have five questions total - four questions that are closed-book and written in house (at school) and then one take-home exam I'll be writing over Easter weekend.

After I submit my writtens, then I have my oral defense scheduled for April 23rd. After that, I'll hear if I passed or not. And if I do pass, then I'll just have my dissertation left before I get that PhD. Wow!

So, wish me luck! This one week is a big deal - a culmination of the past 4 years of my graduate career! I hope I represent myself well.

Times like this, I have to keep things in perspective and remember what's really important to me. The pictures below make me happy, so I'm posting them.

This one was from when we were in Florida. Sake is on the left and then Kito is on the right.

Jesse...he came outside in my fuzzy blue slippers and fell TWICE! This picture was after he fell into the snowbank. I couldn't help it - I just laughed and laughed!

And...the hibiscus plant I grew last summer. I was very proud of this plant. So, I cannot WAIT until the weather is consistently warm again and I can grow flowers and fresh basil and sit out on my back porch and watch the fireflies. I love that.

Feeling a little lost...

2007-03-07T18:04:00.000-05:00

I've been through a lot of mixed emotions in the past year. I can't help but think that last year at this time, I was planning on telling my advisor that I was dropping out of school. I promised myself I'd meet with her before spring break. Next week is spring break again. And I'm still here. Still in Cube #10, at my desk by the window. It somehow leaves me feeling like nothing has changed. I'm still in school, still living here, still teaching, still doing the same things I've been doing. But I suppose a small part of me knows better. I've made some strides in the last year.

It's just a strange feeling -- being in school all these years. Having people ask you when you're done or why you're doing all this or what you've been working on for all this time. How do you explain? How do you explain that there is just so much knowledge in the world? Even a lifetime of education can't possibly scratch the surface? How do you explain your to getting a degree that won't even make you a lot of money in the end? How do you justify it to your own self when faced with all the sacrifices that are required of you?

And lately, I've been okay with all the sacrifices and the years...the rewards and the costs...the uncertainities...the doubts. But as I sit here at my desk, staring at all the piles that represent all the tasks that need to be done...I just feel somewhat lost. Or maybe not lost, but somehow being faced with so many choices of what to do next or what to do first...I just feel paralyzed.

I'm trying to keep a healthy perspective on the semester...but it is so hard. I feel like I might just be on the verge of this cliff...I can feel myself coming to close to it. And it scares me. Because I feel like if I fall into it, and let myself acknowledge everything I'm up against, I'll just drown. And if I drown, then I'll be of no use to myself. I can feel my anxiety creeping up on me...slowly, deliberately. I'm trying to convince it to leave me alone. That I know it's there. I don't need the nudge. I can do it and keep moving and keep plugging away without Anxiety invading my life and forcing me to dissolve into tears of worry and fear that I really am inadequate. But I still sense it. And it makes me feel vulnerable. It's hard to feel confident and vulnerable at the same time.

So I guess that's where I am right now...feeling a little lost and vulnerable. I think I know where I'm headed, but I'm hesitant about the steps to get there.

I'm running a half marathon!

2007-03-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

I just officially signed up to run a half marathon at the Potomac River Run on May 6th, 2007! They are doing a full marathon on that course too, but we're just running the half. I'm not quite up for another full one.

Anyway, there are at least 3 other ladies from up here in PA running it as well. If any of you are reading this and would like to join us, you can sign up using the above link. It should be a really pretty trail and a fun time. Also, if you want to come cheer us on, we'd love that too!

Hopefully the weather will start to warm up so we can run outside as opposed to the indoor track we've been using.

Here's a picture of the group running it: Jen, Laura, Meg, and ME! Meg is keeping track of all her training miles to raise money for a service trip to Honduras. You can find out how to sponsor her here.

Procrastinating Perceiver

2007-02-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why I'm always drawn to write on here at completely random times. I could go weeks or months without thinking of my blog and then, when I have something pressing that needs to get done, suddenly it seems urgent that my blog is updated. I guess that's just part of being an ENFP.

Well, I got through last semester without any major breakdowns. I finished up that conference paper for ICA and it got accepted. Yay! That means I'm going to present the paper in San Fransisco in May.

After the semester ended, we were lucky enough to join my parents in Florida for two glorious weeks! We even drove both the dogs down in our new car and spent Christmas and New Year's there. The first week all my siblings were there too. I don't often get to spend time with them, so it was a real treat. I soaked up the sun, swam in the ocean, went for a long run by myself every morning on the beach. It was just what my soul needed. I really didn't want to leave.

I'm hoping we can do it again next Christmas. Even though it doesn't really feel like Christmas when it's 80 degrees and there's palm trees everywhere, it was okay. We had a little fiber optic tree. And as my mom points out, "Not every Christmas has to be the same."

Now, I'm still trying to settle into this semester. I'm teaching two different classes in a row this semester, which is new for me (a small group class and a public speaking class). Usually when I teach two sections, it is two of the same class. So preparing two different lectures takes more time. I'm taking a Hierarchical Linear Modeling stat class (which I'm actually excited about) and a measurement course. I'm also sitting in on a conflict course, which I'm hoping to teach one day.

This semester is going to be a BIG one though because I'm scheduled to take comps in April. And by scheduled, I mean it is ON the books. I have times and dates that I have to appear to take these exams. 16 hours worth of exams, to be exact, over the course of a week. It's going to be one hell of a week! After I write them, my committee reads them and then I have an oral defense. So hopefully by the end of the semester, I'll have passed comps and be only one step away from holding that doctorate. If all the rest of my plans fall into place, I'll graduate in May 2008. And I have to say, that now that it's 2007, 2008 does NOT seem as far away as it once did.

Sake is still up to her crazy antics. We got some new couches and she chewed up a red ink pen and then got her red paw prints all over the cushions. This was just a few days ago and so we're still trying to get the stains out! I tell my students lots of stories about my dogs. They probably think I'm one of those crazy pet people. But, my dogs make me happy...so I'm going to keep telling stories about them.

Anyway, the thing I'm supposed to be working on tonight is a construct explication for the measurement class. I'm explicating the construct of turbulence in relationships. It's due at 2:30 PM tomorrow. And I actually haven't started writing yet. Either I've become overconfident or I've just lost my mind. Here's to hoping I can get it done in time!

4 AM

2006-10-18T20:43:00.000-04:00

Have I wrote about 4 AM before? How much I love 4 AM? My dad told me once that there are certain brain waves or concentration waves or something that peak at 4 AM and so that if you get up at that time, your mind is very alert.

I tried to confirm this, but so far have not been able to. At least not from any google-research I did. But, according to my own personal experience, it is in fact true. 4 AM is a magical time. Just to clarify, I'm not talking about staying up until 4 AM -- I'm a morning person, not a night person. So I mean getting up at that time.

Last semester, I wrote many, many drafts of a book chapter (which will be published in a textbook!) at 4 AM. It was the only time I could concentrate on it.

There's something sneaky about getting up while everyone else is sleeping. There are no distractions, no expectations of you...and you can just work. I even figured out how to make my coffee maker do that automated thing, so my coffee is ready when I get up at 4. Although, I don't really need the caffiene, because even without it, I'm focused! If I'm finished up by 6 AM, I sneak back into bed and when I wake up at 7, it seems like all that work was just a dream.

This semester has been kicking my butt in the pure amount of work and things I'm juggling. The good thing is that the semester is NOT kicking my butt emotionally. I was stressing a little before bed last night, and Jesse said he thinks I've been working the hardest this semester and complained the least. So that's good. I'm not agonizing anymore (see past blogs). I'm not lacking motivation like I usually do. I'm just trying to keep up my stamina. A lot of people say getting a PhD is really an endurance test. I can see that now...

One thing that makes me happy are my dogs though! Sake is just so crazy and cute. She drives me insane sometimes, but then you look at it her...and you just have to smile. She has been obsessed with stealing things from the bathroom lately. For awhile it was the toliet brush (gross!) until we figured out how to keep that away from her. Then I discovered her in the living room with a roll of toliet paper. It was just so funny I had to take a picture before scolding her.

Also, I got a new haircut -- well about a month ago. But for those of you who are reading this from far away, here's a picture. I had to take it myself using the timer feature on my camera, so I look a little hunched over.

Well, this post was random. I'm trying to finish things up thing tonight so I can be ready for my 4 AM date with my coffee maker and my paper for ICA. Ah, the life of a grad student...

Thinking ahead

2006-10-02T20:36:00.000-04:00

You know what's strange? I'm working on a paper to submit to a conference. The conference isn't until next summer, but the submission deadline is November 1st. The reason this is important is because I want a job in 2008. Hence I have to write the paper now in 2006 for a conference presentation in 2007 so I can attract potential employers for a job I need two years from now!

I'm trying to keep that perspective in mind and realize yes, this paper is important. But the rewards and consequences of it seem a long way off. Not really a case of instant gratification, is it?

The last few months...

2006-09-23T20:02:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a few months since I posted last! Quite a few things have happened. Here are some highlights in no particular order.

I taught two sections of a summer class to incoming freshmen. They were wide-eyed and very hesitant to call me by first name, even though I assured them it was okay. ("We weren't allowed to do that in high school!").

I learned how to walk 2 dogs on 2 leashes and not get tripped or tangled or flustered (although, I'm still working on the flustered part). Sake is getting longer and taller every day (she is the one on the right in the picture). The dog park finally opened, so we have been visiting that and getting to meet lots of interesting dogs and interesting owners.

My entire family (2 parents, 3 siblings) all come to stay with us -- making the grand total 7 people and 2 dogs in one apartment. We had a blast.

I learned how to drive a stick shift, because we bought a new (!) car -- a black, Nissan Versa.We love it. I have never owned a new car or even somewhat new car. This is SO exciting. I don't even care that we are in debt because of it. It even has four hubcaps and power windows which is much more than I can say for my '93 Honda Civic.

I drank many a margarita on the outside deck of a local mexican place. The combination of hot weather, cold drinks, salty chips, and good conversation was perfect.

I got addicted to a video game -- guitar hero. Don't even make fun of me, because as soon as you play it, you'll realize how amazing it is. I don't even usually like video games. But this one is totally different. Since we got it, I have converted many people into guitar heros themselves.

I went to the pool at total of one (1) time. I consider this pathetic. My lack of skin pigmentation also reflects this...although one day, I guess I'll be glad I have a few less wrinkles because of my lack of sun exposure.

Actually, it's okay I didn't go to the beach because my parents rented a house in Florida for a month in December and so we're headed down there (2 dogs and us in our new car!) for at least a week or two! By that point, I'll be so sick of the weather here, it'll feel great to see some sunshine!

We celebrated our one year anniversary in August -- that was pretty exciting! I can't believe how fast a year goes by. We're still together, so that says something! A lot of people say your first year of marriage is the hardest. I guess we'll have to go through a few more years to make that judgment!

I went to West Virginia (near Deep Creek Lake) with four of my closest girlfriends. We had a great time chatting and cooking and hanging out. I feel lucky to still be friends with people I've known since seventh grade!

Well, that brings us to the present I guess. The past few weeks have been filled with new classes (more stats classes!) and new students. I'm teaching a new class (small group communication). So far, I'm surviving. :) J. got a new job and he works from home, so we're getting adjusted to that new arrangement.

This update was much more fun since I figured out how to add pictures!

Welcome Sake!

2006-06-22T12:49:00.000-04:00

We got a new puppy! Her name is Sake (we're pronouncing it SAH-ki) and she is a 12 week old Shiba Inu (just like Kito). Trevor came with me to New Jersey to pick her out. I'm so glad he was there because there were lots of little puppies and it was hard to decide. But in the end, we chose the best one! She's sweet and spunky and very smart. Plus she has the cutest face and white paws.

Kito was being mean to her for a few days but he has finally accepted her. I think they'll be great friends once she gets a little older and learns some manners! Below is a slide show with a few pictures. I'm so excited!!

Finals Week

2006-05-02T20:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm exhausted. I had a long day of painful grading of papers, most of which made little sense. But the good news is that I'm done with grading and grades are in. Tomorrow I meet with students to give them their final paper scores back. Hopefully there won't be too much whining about it all. I always hate the part where I post grades online and then hold my breath to see how many mean emails I get right after that.

I was walking through campus yesterday thinking about how beautiful the weather is here right now. Then, I started thinking about how there's always the same frantic feeling during finals week and how it comes right when the nice weather comes. And then I started thinking that this my 14th semester of finals (counting undergrad, MA, and now). Isn't that weird? On top of that, I'm about to turn 25 and that is freaky and scary. I am not what I thought a 25 year old would be like.

Anyway, there's not really any point to this post except to make one somewhat insightful observation. I'm not freaking out this finals week as much as usual. I don't want to just run away and forget it all. I'm tired and I'm working hard, but I'm still alive. And somehow I'm more able to handle this stress than usual.

I'm not sure whether it's: a) things have gotten easier, b) I have figured out how to get through things more easily, or c) I just don't care as much anymore.

Whatever the reason, I'll take it! Because today, I walked the dog and I literally took time to stop and smell all the flowers in bloom. And damn it, that counts for something!

Conflama

2006-04-30T18:05:00.000-04:00

Conflama = conflict + drama. Clever term, huh? I didn't make it up.

And there has been a lot of it around me lately. Lots of changes going on in the department, so there's lots of gossip and people whispering about things. Who is doing what? Who got assigned what class? What professor is this person's advisor? What will this person think when they hear such and such? Speculation. Opinions. Frustration.

I know people get more competitive when resources are scarce. Maybe that's part of it lately. I understand wanting to know what's going on with everything, because I'm right there asking those same questions about other people. Wanting to know the inside scoop. Information gives you power....but it also comes with a lot of responsibility.

So now I'm not really happy to have placed myself "in the know" about different things. It's kind of a burden knowing what person is mad at who about what. You have to form an opinion about it. You get wrapped up in things that don't concern you. Let me change the pronoun...I get wrapped up! Then when I find out new info, I feel like you have to decide what to do and who to tell. And if I do tell someone about it, what if I was wrong? Then I'm responsible for passing along faulty info that may end up hurting someone.

Information definitely comes with a price, especially when that info isn't neutral info but usually has a negative slant. It makes me nervous about what other's are saying about me.

So I'm making a commitment to myself to keep things to myself. I'll listen to other people vent if necessary, but I'm going to try to make it stop there.

Where is the line between gossip and venting? Between healthy processing and talking bad about someone?

I feel like I haven't had to deal with this much conflama in a long time...and I don't really like it. But now it's a cycle I don't know how to get out of.

It's easy to bond with someone over common dislike of another person, but it's not really a good basis for a friendship. So, here's to making changes for the better -- in friendships and in life!

Where I'm at

2006-04-18T20:00:00.000-04:00

If you haven't noticed, my blogs are kind of back and forth. Either I'm talking about how my life sucks or I'm talking about how promising the future is. I can't seem to settle into one place.

But maybe I just need to stop trying to be something else (wishing my life were something different) and just be present in the moment I have right now. Even if it kills me to think my blog is just a place to vent about school and stress...well, that's what my life is filled with right now. At least at first glance. Hmm...maybe I also need to make a concerted effort to recognize the other things going on in my life. (See...the back and forth is here again!)

Well, this past weekend was a lot of fun. I didn't do one ounce of schoolwork. Friday night Jesse and I watched Sideways. It was a cute movie and now I want to learn more about wine! Saturday I had a meeting and then laid out on a blanket outside with some friends to enjoy the weather. People in central PA really appreciate good weather since most of the year it is terrible.

Saturday night we went to Meg and Eric's for dinner. Both of their sets of parents were in town. It is so fun meeting people's parents! I love it. You get to hear their stories and see what kind of dynamic they have with their kids...and it was just fun to be around some wiser, older people.

Sunday we actually went to church for the first time in a long time...and it was good. I wouldn't mind going back. Then we had a big easter dinner at Dan and Kirsten's house, complete with hidden easter baskets filled with candy! Jesse was excited about that part. Even though it was the first Easter I didn't spend at home with my family, it was a really nice time.

I've been thinking a lot about spiritual issues lately too. And I think that I'm going to start picturing god as a woman and try to connect that way. It's hard, because my brain automatically goes back to the male version...but I think it will be a helpful exercise for me.

So that's where I'm at. I am feeling a lot more peaceful about school. And I'm trying to be a bit more balanced and recognize the other things that I do outside of schoolwork. I have a tendency (as do most grad students, I think), to say "I didn't do ANYTHING today!" even when we actually did a TON of stuff, it just didn't include schoolwork. So I am trying to affirm the things I do daily that are meaningful and important...or just plain necessary (i.e. grocery shopping, cleaning). It reminds me of the RENT song, Seasons of love. "How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" I don't want to measure my life in papers I've written or hours I worked on research or in grades or in any of that stuff anymore. I'm trying to let it go and measure my life in...something else. Love? Yeah, cheesy as that sounds, maybe that's it.

The pain of discipline

2006-04-06T15:51:00.000-04:00

I know that part of being disciplined about things is doing it when you don't want to. But sometime I wish I had more choices. Theoretically, being disciplined is supposed to give you better results and more choices (maybe?) in the long run, right? Like I have freedom to do whatever I want, but some things I can't do without being disciplined first.

Running the marathon for instance. I had to give up things in the short run (sleep, being lazy) in order to train so that I could finish the marathon 6 months later.

I may not be making sense....but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes its hard to make yourself do things you don't feel like doing. It takes a lot to muster this kind of energy and self-motivation.

Tonight I have to write a paper I have been putting off. It's due first thing tomorrow morning. Anyway, in some ways I am so used to forcing myself to just do things like this. But in other ways, it doesn't matter how much you're "used" to it, "it" doesn't seem to get any easier.

I'm just complaining, I guess, and hoping it's all worth it somehow.

The ups and downs

2006-03-26T21:21:00.000-05:00

Well, we had spring break the first week in March. Since then, I haven't really been all that productive with school work. But I haven't been as unhappy as I usually am...so I guess it's a fair trade-off. At least at the moment. But soon I really do need to buckle down.

You know what's so strange? The weekends are harder for me than the week. Instead of waking up on Saturday morning being excited about the weekend, I get a case of the "Oh no's" (as my mom calls them). "Oh no! It's the weekend. I have my whole day ahead of me. That means I *should* go grocery shopping and I *should* get ahead on that paper and I *should* call those people I've been avoiding all week..."

The list goes on. Do you feel like this ever? During the week, I know what I'm supposed to be doing -- working!! But on the weekends, I have options...and the options kill me! Part of me wants to relax during the weekend and sleep in. But the other part of me thinks I shouldn't be lazy and should just get up and get going and make the most of it.

It's during this back and forth that I waste a lot of time. Wavering, instead of just jumping into something.

Anyway, I think I've pretty much resolved that I'm doing nothing productive tonight (at least regarding schoolwork). Maybe I should just get to bed and try to wake up at 5 AM or something. I am more of a morning person anyway.

My creative outlet...

2006-02-26T18:51:00.000-05:00

Trying to resolve the issues in my head with clippings from old bridal magazines!

From Australia...

2006-02-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

My parents are out of the country and I got this email from my dad that I thought I'd share because it touched my heart!

"Yesterday was my first Sunday "out of the pulpit." (The previous
Sunday didn't count because we crossed the international date line,
passing from Saturday night directly to Monday morning!) It was a
free day for us. We had an experience that I thought I'd share.
Although it wasn't in a church building, it was a truly holy and
glorious moment.

We walked down to the "Circular Quay" where the famous Sydney Opera
House is situated. Across from the Opera House is a district called
"The Rocks" - full of shops, sidewalk booths, etc. It was a perfect
summer day, beautiful breeze, blue sky, sailboats filling the bay
behind us. A jazz group was playing on a stage in a courtyard, and we
got something to eat and enjoyed their music. A middle-aged couple
got up and started dancing - they were amazing! Then an old lady got
up, then an old man, and soon there were half-a-dozen people
spontaneously dancing to this beautiful music - blues, swing,

Near the stage, I noticed a five or six year old boy who was obviously
mentally handicapped - thick glasses, awkward gait. He seemed
absolutely entranced. He put up a fist to his mouth as if it were a
trumpet and pretended to play it with his other hand. Soon, without
realizing it, he had moved out beside the stage. His eyes were closed
and he was playing his heart out on his imaginary trumpet. The sax
player noticed this, and the hopped off the stage and stood beside the
young guy. When he opened his eyes, the sax player started dancing
around as he played and the little boy followed his lead. Then the
trumpet player saw them, and he came down. The little boy in between
the two musicians ... "playing" and dancing in an obvious state of
ecstacy - the audience started applauding and I know my eyes were
overflowing with tears to see something so beautiful and spontaneous
and glorious.

Then I looked back to where the boy had been, and his grandfather was
standing there in obvious delight to see his grandson so happy.

It was a perfect end to our time in Sydney, and that scene will stay
with me as a reminder that God is at work everywhere, if only we have
eyes to see."

Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

I am trying my hardest not to focus on the negative parts of my day, even though that's what I intended to do when I opened up blogger. I intended to complain. But I am resisting the urge!

Okay, so instead...here it goes. I am so LUCKY because I have a wonderful husband who cleaned the apartment today, cooked dinner, purchased some gorgeous overpriced roses, and even made the bed. I love getting into a bed at night that has been made. Don't know why, but it makes me happy and that much *more* excited to go to sleep.

Oh and he wrote me a poem! Maybe I'll get his permission to post it, because it's really beautiful. And not even in a gushy way. More of a artistic poetic way. Really.

I won't tell you why I am sitting at the computer right now and he is in the other room watching TV without me. Can't focus on the negatives...must be positive!!

Here's to hoping everyone experienced a little love today, whether it was in the smile of a stranger or the gesture of a loved one.

No more music...

2006-02-13T10:12:00.000-05:00

So, my car got broken into in DC this weekend and all my CDs are gone. They didn't take my stereo which I guess is the positive part of this situation. Although I kind of wish they took that instead of my CD's because a stereo would be easier to replace.

Anyway, if any of you feel like making me a mix CD or something, that'd be cool. I wish I had uploaded all my CDs onto my computer or iPod and then this situation would be such a bummer.

Something's Changing...

2006-02-07T17:08:00.000-05:00

Today something happened. I'm not sure what it was and I'm not sure what it means but, I could tell something just switched inside of me. It just clicked. And now it's different.

The "it" I'm referring to is my life, I think. Or my feelings about my life and what I'm supposed to be doing. All the questions that plague me on a day to day basis...well, I think they just got simpler or something.

It felt kind of like a door was just closed but at the same time it kind of felt like I was released.

I don't want to go into too many details now, but I felt like I should at least acknowledge that today I felt something I have never felt before. I'm hoping and praying it will bring clarity and guidance.

Life events stress scale

2006-01-26T19:38:00.000-05:00

I came across this life events stress scale and I think it's really interesting. I had heard of it before but never seen it. On a scale of 1 to 100, vacation gets 13 points. Jail term gets 63. I wonder if that depends on the length of jail time. Marriage gets a 50. Now, here's a weird one -- outstanding personal achievement gets a 28. What's that about? The stress it takes to get to that achievement or the stress of keeping up with it or something? Hmm.

Anyway, it just made me think about my own life events in the past 12 months. And how CHANGE is so hard, no matter if its for the good or bad. I mean, look at the last items on the scale. They all start with the word change!

Just something to think about...I wonder how these items got on here vs. other things not on this list?

Life Event Stress Scale
In the past 12 months, which of the following major life events have taken place in your life?
1. Make a check mark next to each event that you have experienced this year
2. When you are done, add up the points for each event.
3. Calculate your score at the end.

Event Stress Scores
__ Death of Spouse 100
__ Divorce 73
__ Marital Separation 65
__ Jail Term 63
__ Death of close family member 63
__ Personal injury or illness 53
__ Marriage 50
__ Fired from work 47
__ Marital reconciliation 45
__ Retirement 45
__ Change in family member's health 44
__ Pregnancy 40
__ Sex difficulties 39
__ Addition to family 39
__ Business readjustment 39
__ Change in financial status 38
__ Death of close friend 37
__ Change to a different line of work 36
__ Change in number of marital arguments 35
__ Mortgage or loan over $10,000 31
__ Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30
__ Change in work responsibilities 29
__ Trouble with inlaws 29
__ Outstanding personal achievement 28
__ Spouse begins or stops work 26
__ Starting or finishing school 26
__ Change in living conditions 25
__ Revision of personal habits 24
__ Trouble with boss 23
__ Change in work hours, conditions 20
__ Change in residence 20
__ Change in schools 20
__ Change in recreational habits 19
__ Change in church activities 19
__ Change in social activities 18
__ Mortgage or loan under $10,000 17
__ Change in sleeping habits 16
__ Change in number of family gatherings 15
__ Change in eating habits 15
__ Vacation 13
__ Christmas season 12
__ Minor violation of the law 11
CALCULATE Your total score:___________

This scale shows the kind of life pressure that you are facing. Depending on your coping skills or the lack thereof, this scale can predict the likelihood that you will that you will fall victim to a stress related illness. The illness could be mildfrequent tension headaches, acid indigestion, loss of sleep to more serious problems like ulcers, migraines, lower back pain, etc..

SCORE SCALE:
0 - 149 Low susceptibility to stress related illness
150- 299 Medium susceptibility to stress related illness
300 and over High susceptibility to stress related illness

What I need the most

2006-01-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get that feeling of being so lost that you have no idea what you need to get you where you need to be?

Yesterday wasn't so good. I mean, nothing bad happened really. I got a lot done until about 3:30 (not school related though) and then plopped down on the couch in front of the TV and zoned out. I didn't even get up to turn on the lights when it got dark. I felt pathetic. Jesse is out of town, so there was no one here to drag me out of my self-induced misery.

I knew I needed to do something. Specifically WORK but I just couldn't do it. It was like if I moved at all, I would have to figure out what to do, and that was just too much to handle. Do I sound crazy? The structure of the weekdays usually means I don't have to deal with these decisions.

There was nothing that I felt like doing. It wasn't like "oh i'd rather be shopping or writing emails or making art". There was nothing I wanted to do and I knew I *should* be doing all the homework that has piled up so quickly. It's only the second week of school. Sigh. So I just got sad and all depressed again. And that sucks. Because I really thought this semester was going to be different. And then I was hungry, but there wasn't anything to eat except some mac and cheese that had green noodles instead of the normal creamy colored ones. I haven't eaten mac and cheese in at least a year, but that's what I resorted to.

You would think I know myself well enough by now to figure out what I need to cheer me up. Like giving a friend advice when they're down. You'd think I could be a good friend to myself and say "Rach, what you need is just a little _______! Then you'll feel refreshed." But I just don't know *what* is going to make me feel refreshed.

My mom is the ever-constant comforter in my life. What would I do without her?

Maybe you just need to cry once a week Rach. I mean, you can't be happy all the time. And when you are happy, you're really happy. So it's okay to feel down.

Maybe that's true. But I hate feeling this way. I have enough to deal with without feeling so down and being so hard on myself. I wish I didn't make things harder.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Probably not, but I really can't help feeling like everyone else has it so together and gets so much done and doesn't struggle like me.

When I do get those spurts, boy, am I productive. But they seem to be appearing less frequently. And when they do, they don't have quite as much endurance as I'd like.

Do I just need to be more discplined? I did go grocery shopping today. Cleaned out the fridge. Made dinner already for when Jesse gets home. The bed is still unmade though. And I haven't opened my bookbag. There's always something hanging over your head if you let it.

Well, this was a lot of rambling. I apologize to the three people who read this blog. I know there's really nothing to say to me at this point and its get old to hear someone complain all the time. The truth is that when I'm around people in real life, I can't be like this. So inevitably it all comes out here.

I just wish I knew how to help myself right now. I wish I knew what I needed the most.

High or Low Expectations?

2006-01-11T11:07:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those debates with others or with yourself when you try to figure out is it better to:
a. have low expectations and be surprised when things go better than planned or
b. have high expectations and be filled with hope that you'll get there

I have a friend who is applying for jobs right now. Getting a job in academia is difficult...and sometimes there just aren't that many positions open for your area of expertise. So when I was talking to her about it the other day, I asked her first choice for a job. She replied that she didn't have a first choice. Only a second choice.

Now, her rationale was that by not having a "first" choice, she was keeping herself from being too excited about that and getting her hopes up that she would get a job there. Maybe part of it functions to save face - if you don't say what your first choice is than it's okay if you don't get a job there. But isn't your second choice just really your first choice?

Anyway, I just think this illustrates that weird mental game we play about our expectations.

Don't you think that sometimes expectations are a self-fulfilling prophesy? I expect this person not to like me, and then they don't. Or I expect this person to say no to whatever I'm asking, and they say NO.

What about our expectations leaks out or translates into how we act and our behavior toward others? If we live life always hoping for the best, does that lead to us acting in a way that will get us to where we want to be?

I have been listening to the 7 habits of highly effective people on my iPod and one thing that Dr. Covey says is that you begin with the end in mind. He has you imagine your funeral and what you want people to say at your eulogy and then work toward that. Apparently this exercise helps to clarify your values and what is important to you so can you act and make decision in harmony with those values.

Well, these are the things swimming around my head lately. If you think this is an interesting topic at all, post and tell me what you think! I am such an extravert...even on a blog I want interaction!

2006...

2006-01-05T13:45:00.000-05:00

Yikes! Time to start another year already?! What is about a new year that seems so inspiring? You get a brand new calender that you get to hang on your wall with not a thing on it! Everything is so wide open.

This reminds me of the acronym for my myers brigss type - ENFP = Everyday New Fantastic Possibilities! It's so me, isn't it?

That's how the start of 2006 makes me feel. It reminds me that everyday there ARE new fantastic possibilities!

So what will happen on this blog in the next year?

Hopefully I'll have lots of interesting news to report and wonderful insights to reveal.

tuesday thoughts

2005-12-13T09:36:00.000-05:00

well, here i sit on tuesday morning...the day stretched out ahead of me. i have a take home final to complete today. but before i get started, i wanted just a few minutes to reflect about where i am today.

yesterday i met with my advisor and got really excited about where we are going with my thesis data. we're trying to re-analyze it to get it ready to submit to a conference with the hopes of eventually publishing it. although finishing this has nothing to do with my classes, it is satisfying to work on it and exciting. it gives me a tiny bit of hope that i am actually excited about something school-related.

this past weekend was really rough trying to work through my two take home stat exams. i think i'm still trying to shake that frustration and feeling that i'm really stupid and don't know anything.

during my first semester here i was completely and totally overwhelmed during finals week. looking back, it was a lot - the classes i was taking were definitely demanding. anyway, my roommate left town early, so i sat alone in my apartment, snowed in, and in tears. i made a running tally of everything that had to be done, partly out of self-pity (i posted it on my profile on IM to show the world what graduate school was making me do!) and partly out of a desire to see even one damn thing crossed off that list.

anyway, i don't know why i am thinking of that now. i guess because i have come a long way. there is a lot i've learned in the past two and a half years about time-management and sheer will. you really can do whatever you set your mind to. and it's amazing how somehow things always get done. somehow you pull it off, even if you didn't think you could. that's kind of comforting, even if it is you who has to do it all.

well tomorrow at noon i have to turn in this last final of the semester and then calculate all my 70 students grades and deal with all those complaints. hopefully after that, though, i can get my mind back and really try to focus on the spirit of this season and really celebrating all the things that i am thankful for and all that this year of 2005 has taught me, with all its struggles and joys. it's been quite a wild ride.

dreams and messages encoded

2005-12-11T10:50:00.000-05:00

so maybe god isn't just speaking to me through dove chocolates (see previous posts), but through dreams!

my mom just called me to tell me she had a very vivid dream about me last night and wanted to pass it along. it was something like this:

i told her i had lost something very, very important to me. it was some sort of wallet type purse thing but i hadn't seen it for several days. i thought i knew where i left it, but others were unsure that it would still be there after all this time.

i convinced my mom to go with me to the place i thought i left it, which was some sort of beach house several hours away. she decided that since it was really important to me and i really thought i could find it that she would go with me.

i guess other people had been in and out of that house (possibly friends?) and when we got there, my mom looked on the coffee table shelf and it was right there. i was so so so happy that it was found and we celebrated that we did it -- we found it. she commented that the people in the house must really care about me since they didn't take it and left it here after all that time and that everyone thought i was wrong for thinking it would still be here, but it was. so the long trip was worth it.

anyway, okay, so interpretations! i first thought that my wallet represented my identity and i was searching for who i was or something like that.

her interpretation was that this wallet thing was my old faith that i used to have in god and that i thought i knew where i left it, but others doubted it would still be there. she's not sure where she comes into play, but she believed me enough to take the long drive with me back to the place where i thought i lost it and then together we found it and it made me really, really happy.

Hmm...any other interpretations? i once heard that everyone in your dreams is really just parts of you...but maybe in this case, it was actually a message for me, not just for my mom. a message of hope or something.

Distractions

2005-12-08T16:07:00.000-05:00

do you think it's bad that i actually thought about looking up motivation on dictionary.com just as a way to do something besides what i'm supposed to be doing?

now that i said that and put it out in the universe, i mine as well just do it.

motivation: n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior

so if i lack motivation, does that mean i have a psychological problem? or i just haven't found the "purpose or direction" of my behavior?

hmm. so the purpose behind two take-home stat finals, a psych final, final grades for 70 students, and another draft of a paper for publication? Hmm. Not quite sure on that.

Aren't you guys so sick of reading about me being in school? I'm sick of writing about it. I wish my life was more interesting!

Here's some other things about today:

my dog loves to lay by our gas fireplace. it's so cute. he stays there until he starts panting and then wants to go out in the snow for awhile. today, i joined him and fell asleep on my freshly vacuumed floor right by the flames.

i ate at least 3 more little dove dark chocolates today. i received many new messages, including "be mischievous" or something like that.

i didn't make coffee today...i'm testing to see whether i'm addicted yet.

i started to write another thing, but it was about school, so i decided to stop. this section is supposed to be about all the other interesting things in my life.

okay, one more. i realized that DVR is more amazing than i previously recognized. i can now tape work-outs from fitTV and do them whenever i want. i have a new tv trainer. his name is gilad and he talks like arnold schwarzenegger*. i like to imitate him to keep myself entertained. he likes to say things like "Thank you for trusting your body with me! Together we will make a difference!" It is inspiring and creepy at the same time.

*i had to look up how to spell his name so don't be impressed.

wednesday afternoons

2005-12-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

Well, the last post I wrote was last Wednesday afternoon when I was feeling distracted and not able to do work. And here we find ourselves again this Wednesday!

Here are some realizations I have come to this week:

When you're not depressed, life is a lot easier. Somehow, Thanksgiving break gave me the recharge I needed and the cloud of depression has lifted and made me feel a million times lighter. Every good day I have had since Thanksgiving has been so amazing and really felt like a gift from god. I keep wondering when it will end and when I will go back to dreading every day like before...but for now, I'm enjoying it! I still have just as much stress and just as many assignments to get done but for some reason, it is OKAY! for some reason, all the positives of my situation are becoming a lot more evident to me and focusing on them helps get me through.

I am addicted to those little dove dark chocolates -- you know the ones I am talking about? they come individually wrapped and have cute little messages inside like "write a love letter this week" or "smile before you go to bed, you'll sleep better." but the other day i got one that said "don't think about it so much" and it resonated with me so much that i put it on the fridge. a little crumpled foil wrapper with a message just for me. sometimes you gotta let things go.

another little cliche i have been thinking about is 'fake it until you make it'. have you heard this one? i think that this is also what i need to do right now. i do value authenticity, but there is something to be said for just pretending and hoping that the rest of your mind and emotions will follow. it's like living your vision of how you want to be before you're really there. maybe it draws you forward somehow and helps turn you into whatever it is you're pretending to be.

speaking of vision, this is something i really want to work to develop. what is the vision i have for my life? what is the vision i have for myself? how can i work to develop that vision so clearly that i really can work to make it happen. funny, but i think there was a message in the dove chocolate about this too! it said 'write down a list of your dreams so you can make them a reality'. is god speaking to me through chocolates?! if so, i'll keep eating them! :)

Penseive

2005-11-30T14:29:00.001-05:00

I wish I had a penseive like Dumbledore in Harry Potter. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then go read the books.

The reason I bring this up is right now I feel like my mind is swimming in a lot of directions, and I wish I could just pull those worries out of my head like a beautiful wispy thread and deposit them into my penseive for safe keeping. Then it wouldn't be in my head rattling around and messing other things up that were in order!

So I am taking a five minute break from my work for complete FREE writing. This is for me...so feel free to stop reading.

I am tired of not being grown up. I want to feel more control of my life. Being a grad student feels like I don't have the privilges of being grown up but I do have a lot of the responsibilities.

I have high hopes and then I get disappointed, but I can't stop hoping for good things to happen. I guess disappointment means you care about something enough to be sad when it doesn't work out.

I check my email all the time hoping for something to come that will give me something to be happy about. I have no idea what that 'something' is most of the time, but I keep looking. I check my mailbox every day for the same reason.

I said this would be free writing, but I'm still editing this post as I write it. What does this say about me?

I went to bed feeling good last night because I got a lot accomplished. I want to feel that way again tonight but I don't want to do what it takes to get there.

I say things and then I always undercut them and backtrack. I deconstruct statements I make AS I am saying them. That is frustrating to me because I feel like the ground I'm standing on is constantly moving. I can't stick with a thought long enough to make sense of it.

Why is that people (i.e. like ME) focus on the one bad things that happens and not all the other great things? Why is it that one critical negative comment has SO much more weight than all the other positive ones? Do we just like to look for the negative? Do we believe those things more than the positive things people say to us?

I wish I could know myself as a kid. I think I might get some insight into who I am today.

Someone just told me they are going shopping for a new car today. That makes me jealous.

I wish I lived in a place that had more sunshine and not so many cloudy days. I also wish I owned a vespa that I could ride around all care-free like.

I wonder how I will ever be able to concentrate on all the things I need to be doing right now when I have so many emotions and so many different thoughts swimming around in my head, crashing into each other, pulling my attention in a lot of different directions. Do I sound crazy?

Hmm. I guess that's enough for now.

coffee talks

2005-11-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm on my third cup of coffee for the day. I guess that isn't so bad, but I wasn't even a coffee drinker a month ago.

Today was long. And tiring. The kind of day where all you're doing is dreaming of how great it's going to feel when you finally climb into bed that night. Instead of realizing that dream, I'm sitting in front of my computer, avoiding the stack of books that are calling my name, feeling guilty. Kind of. And feeling kind of like I don't care. And then feeling guilty about not caring.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of school and why I'm here. I used to be so certain about my reasons before, but lately they haven't seemed like enough to get me through.

What should be the criteria for choosing what we want to do with our lives? I know you spend a lot of time at your job, so I'm assuming it should be something you enjoy. Something you can see yourself doing for a long time. Something that satisfies you in some way. And many jobs do not meet that criteria, so I'm lucky to think that a career in academia might be those things for me. But, I am just really wondering...what is it worth? What is the price I have to pay to have another three letters after my name? And why is it that I want this degree or thought I wanted it?

In my social cognition class we have been talking about motivation and intention and self-control and goals...and how our thoughts link up with our behaviors and how that all works. I feel like I should be able to overcome these challenges and find something, some way to motivate myself and get myself excited about all this...but I even lack motivation in motivating myself.

I don't want to complain though. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself like I do sometimes. I'm just kind of contemplative sitting here with my coffee. I'm wondering why I'm here in the middle of nowhere PA, wondering what it's all worth to achieve something you're not really sure you want anymore.

Well, I guess I can't afford myself the luxury of this meandering anymore. I have things I am required to learn by tomorrow. My brain is sore. The pillow will feel good tonight.

I'm back!

2005-11-11T09:37:00.000-05:00

Hello Blog World...

For all of you who have visited this site and found nothing new, I apologize. I promised I'd be back in a few weeks and I didn't come back!

I have been so self-conscious about this blog. I write things and then decide they sound stupid and who would want to read about them anyway. But I decided, who cares? So here it goes.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is dreaming big and the fears that come along with that. I think so many things that we do and we don't do are because of fear. Sometimes it hard to identify what the fear is and sometimes we aren't willing to admit it to ourselves. I am so good at convincing myself of things so that I can stay in my comfort zone. But staying in my comfort zone doesn't help me to grow and it certainly can lead me to be complacent.

One thing I've realized is that everything gets easier with repetition. I used to have such a hard time getting up early. But now that I've been getting up at 6 every morning for the past 10 months, it's easy. I don't even have to think about it anymore. My body starts waking me up at about 5:45 so I don't even need my alarm anymore. I think anything in life is this way -- good or bad. Let's take the good first. If we get used to pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zone, pushing ourselves to do something we are afraid of...then the next time it's easier. The next time, that first step won't be so hard. That is exciting to me. Wouldn't you attempt to conquer a challenge if you knew that every time after that would be just a little easier? Wouldn't you be more likely to try new things?

I want to capitalize on that momentum and the ease that comes with repetition and try to build some good habits. Habits like challenging myself, doing things that I'm afraid of...changing my attitude, re-framing situations in a positive way so that I can keep moving foward and not get paralyzed.

And how does this connect to dreaming big? Well, sometimes I feel like I used to have these big dreams and high hopes...and then reality set in. I told myself all the reasons I couldn't do that or told myself that I should be more realistic. But, what am I afraid of? Am I afraid that I'll really be successful? What if my dream came true -- then what would happen? Or what if I failed and never achieved whatever it is that I wanted to achieve? Is that what I'm afraid of?

It's been a year since I ran the marathon now. Last halloween is when I did it. And I think back to when I first considered training for it. I thought 'no way can I ever in a million years run 26.2 miles! I'm crazy for even thinking I might be able to!' But when I saw everyone else doing it, when I saw people who had less evidence than I did that they would be able to make it...then I decided to give it a try. And I doubted myself a lot and told myself it was stupid for me to try to do this. But in the end, I accomplished my goal...I finished that marathon and from now on, I will always be able to say I did that.

So I guess all this is to say that I'm trying to regain that power that comes with a true belief in myself and my abilities. I want to practice changing my attitude, stop giving myself excuses, and start living big.

What about you?

MIA

2005-08-10T07:18:00.000-04:00

I have often thought about posting here this summer, but it hasn't felt quite like something I wanted to do. I feel like I've sort of been in hibernation, except instead of sleeping I've been constantly working, reserving all my energy for the tasks in front of me, trying to stay sane.

And it's paid off. I finished my thesis and passed my defense, which means that I'm officially a master's degree holder. That's exciting. And now the wedding is only 10 days away...and it looks like it's going to go smoothly. That's a relief.

These past few months have been very interesting. I am hoping that all this time to myself and thinking and working give way to some fresh, new insights and perspective and wisdom. But I'm not ready to share those thoughts. So I really just wanted to write to say that I'm still alive and in a few weeks, I'll be back in full force.

For now, I'm going to finish up this whirlwind summer.

Relief!

2005-05-09T11:40:00.000-04:00

So, the semester is officially over. I took an extended weekend to relish in that fact. Got to spend time with friends and family...including ALL my siblings (which is a rare treat). Went out for Cinco de Mayo for margaritas and burritos (yum!) and shopping at all the stores I don't have access to here in the middle of nowhere.

It seems that the more the stress, the greater the sense of relief when you finally accomplish what you needed to.

Now, I'm back in State College where the weather is amazingly gorgeous. I'm feeling like things are finally turning around. And I'm really feeling grateful that I made it through and had lots of people to support me.

THANK YOU!

Just for fun or jizzy fo` fun

2005-04-29T14:22:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my dear friend Meghan for telling me about gizoogle. It basically translates any webpage or text for you into the lanuage of snoop dogg.

She sent me my own blog translated and it definintely made me laugh. So in case I'm not the only one who has never been to this site...I thought I'd post it for you.

Hopefully you can tell from this post that I'm already starting to feel better and come out of my funk. I'll be done with this hellish semester next Wednesday. Yay!

And just for your enjoyment, here is this post, translated:

Thanks ta mah dizzy nigga meghan fo` tell'n me `bout gizoogle like a motha fucka. it basically translates any webpage or tizzext fo` you into tha lanuage of snoop dogg.

she sent me mah own bizzy translated n it definintely mizzle me laugh . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. so in case im not tha only one who has poser bizzle ta this site...i thought id pizzle it fo` you.

hopefully you can tizzy from this post that im already start'n ta feel rappa n come out mah fizzle cuz Im tha Double O G. ill be done wit this hellish semesta nizzle wednesday. yay!

and jizzle fo` yo enjoyment, here is this piznost, translated fo' sheezy:

Moving on

2005-04-24T21:02:00.000-04:00

I can't stand to see that depressing post of mine up much longer, so I have to write something new. I'm not feeling that much better, but I have to push myself to keep thinking of coming out of the other end of this and the light at the end of the tunnel and all that. I do have to say that I am lucky to have wonderful friends and family in my life who are keeping me afloat during this tough time.

Jen left a comment on my last post about me maybe needing a dose of Sark. I do have lots of her little posters around my room. I just forget to read them. The one in front of me right now says:

your life is an adventure!

enjoy a tiny adventurous moment,

close to home.

it changes your perspective,

reminding you that the world

is deep and rich and full of

color and miracles.

Maybe I should make that my mantra for a few days. What kind of adventurous moments can I have close to home to change my perspective? Any ideas? What can I do to discover a little colorful miracle?

My mind has been very preoccupied thinking BIG thoughts or tiny little ones. I think it's tired from the work out and switching back and forth between these extremes. Like tonight I've been working on my personal relationships paper, giving my perspective on where I think the field should go and where it is right now. BIG thoughts that involve lots of synthesizing and analyzing and arguing. Then, I take a break and go look at things to add to my wedding registry and must decide whether to register for china or not or what kind of vacuum is the best. Yikes.

One thing that I was feeling bad about (but have now reframed) is my indecision. I went through this whole process of applying to UT and agonizing about where to do my phd and then I visited and decided nope, I'm not going there. I did the same thing with housing. I've looked at all these places, comparing pros and cons, looking at townhouses and rental homes and a million bajillion websites. I've taken tours, contacted realtors...called my mom several times to discuss. Talked Jesse's ear off about it when he had the patience to listen. And now, we've decided we're just moving into a new unit in the complex we both currently reside.

So I was feeling a little bad about this. Maybe I could have saved myself the hassle and just not made decisions about these things and kept the status quo. I felt that way until a professor stopped me in the copy room to ask about my grad school decision. I told her I visited UT and knew it wasn't the right place for me, so I'm staying here. I said "After ALL that, I'm staying." She first told me how happy she was that I was staying and them reminded me that I made an active decision, not a passive one. Then I thought, "Well YES I did make an active decision. I didn't let life just decide things for me, I went out there and looked at my options and made an educated decision that I'm happy with!"

So even though considering these options added some stress to my life, I did make active decisions and that's something to be proud of I guess.

For all of you out there struggling with your own personal demons, I totally sympathesize. I'm thinking of you tonight too, knowing I'm definitely not the only one out there feeling trapped in my life and pushed to my limits. I've heard that the best predictor of future success is past success. If that's true, I'm sure we will all make it through this.

So, here's to making it through in one piece and maybe discovering a few little adventurous moments along the way.

What I'm wishing for right now...

2005-04-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

I wish I wasn't so miserable all the time. I just really dread working on school stuff, feel completely unmotivated about it, wish I didn't have to do it and freak out when it comes to the last minute and it's still not done. I don't know what to do about this.

Honestly, I'm just making myself hate my life and my role in it more and more and MORE. Do I need some time off? Do I need a new approach? A new attitude? Do I need more discipline? More focus? I just feel so INCAPABLE and so LACKING in every arena. This just makes me more negative about myself and causes this downward spiral in my thought process...sending me deeper and deeper into self-pity.

I really shouldn't feel bad for myself though. I mean, really, that's pretty sick. I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do. But for whatever reason I'm still unhappy, still depressed, still HATING school right now and all the demands on my time that just make me want to scream or cry or leave or SOMETHING. I'm sure things aren't as dramatic as I'm making them out to be...but that's how I feel. I'm overwhelmed and angry and frustrated and tired and just DONE. I'm so over this. It's like a marathon when you hit the wall. Suddenly, you don't care about all the training you've done, about all the people cheering you on. You just think "Why in the HELL am I doing this?" And once you're at that point, it takes a LOT to try to get your mind back to the place where you have the motivation to continue. Where you can see the reason you set out to complete such a daunting task in the first place.

So that's what I feel like right now. I'm over it. I'm over all these stupid ridiculous papers I have to write. I'm over my data collection and my insignificant thesis study. I'm over pretending like I care. I'm over my job. Over this whole entire SYSTEM that requires all this of me.

I just wish, wish, WISH I could walk away. Leave it all behind. Keep walking and walking and just be done with it all. I wish I could just get away from all the stress and the pressure and the constant feeling of dread that sits in my stomach. I wish I didn't have that lump in my chest, reminding me that my tears of exhaustion and frustration are right below the surface waiting to make an unwelcome appearance at some inconvenient time. I wish there was an end in sight. That there was some sort of reward that actually felt like all this was worth it.

I'm just having such a hard time right now! I'm trying to push myself through this dark places where there seems to be no light at all. Trying to just make it through the next ten minutes, the next hour, the next day, the next deadline.

Somehow, writing this has helped. I try to talk about things more positively than I think about them. And for once, in this, I'm just being honest. It's ugly, I know. I'm sorry.

I'll probably read this tomorrow and conclude I was being completely dramatic and ridiculous and take this post done. But for right now, these words need to exist and be recognized.

Theses, sunshine, and enjoying the moment

2005-04-06T09:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally got approval for my thesis study so I am cleared to go collect data! Now for the logistics of it all...many many hours of data collection and recruiting are in store for me in the next three weeks.

After that begins the writing. Someone sent me this comic, which made me laugh. And then I started stressing about it. When will I ever find time to finish this?! :)

But today the sun is shining and the temperature is supposed to get into the 70's for the first time since last fall. I even went running yesterday in preparation for a 5K race on Sunday.

When spending time outside becomes an option, I feel a little more free. I don't *have* to stay indoors...I have choices! I have possibilities! This convinces me that things just have to be on the upswing. With a gorgeous day spread out in front of me, everything seems just a little bit brighter.

I'm also working on embracing the uniqueness of each day, of each situation, instead of constantly wishing I wasn't in the place that I currently occupy. Us "iNtuitives" (myers-briggs) have the tendency to constantly look to the future as the most interesting, the most capturing of our attention...and focus on all the what if's and what could be's. But today, I'm struggling against that...I'm trying to appreciate all the special challenges and insights of today without wishing the future were here a little bit sooner.

Here's to sunny days, endless possibilities, and enjoying the moment.

Last minute stress and long term decisions

2005-03-31T22:34:00.000-05:00

I'm freaking out currently. I have a paper due tomorrow of which I'm only really half done. And I think I failed a stat test yesterday. I can't seem to get myself to that point of stress where I freak out and actually DO something. I keep re-writing the same pages...not making any significant progress.

This current stress and focus on the moment is paralleled with the fact that I just made the a long-term decision NOT to go to UT for my phd after my visit there. So I'll be in here in state college, pa for a few more years. This decision has taken a BIG weight off my shoulders and I'm really very happy to be staying here.

I hope to post something a bit more inspiring soon. Someone mentioned that my blog isn't a cheery lately...this is true. I keep waiting for the cheerier part to come to me so I can reflect it here. So far, that hasn't gone so well. Let's just hope I can stay sane enough to drag myself through the next weeks of the semester.

Times like this, I keep asking myself "Why am I doing this? Why I am going to school?"

Relationship Development

2005-03-18T08:58:00.000-05:00

In our personal relationships seminar yesterday we discussed the relationship development perspective. Most models are linear and go from the first time two people meet to marriage. Then they end. I guess because there are so many different paths people take after that and it gets too confusing. We mayhave similar experiences when intimacy and committment are increasing, but not when it is decreasing and not when relationships end.

First, I'm not sure if I think relationships are linear. I mean, you can't stop time so in some ways relationships are "progressing" in the sense that they are accummulating more relationship history and people have more experiences with each other. But I doubt this means that relationships are always progressing in the sense that they are moving forward in some way. What would they be moving forward to? Especially after some milestone like marriage. Once you get to that level of committment are you just THERE? Like, you've arrived and you've reached some coveted state where you don't have to work at your relationship? Obviously this can't be true. But what would a model of that look like?

Some scholars have relationship development models that aren't linear but look more like charts. There are stages. But they still imply categories and movement. The social penetration theory (i know, weird name) conceptualizes relationships as onions that have many layers. People may have a large breadth of things they discuss with another but don't have much depth. Others may have depth of discussion about very narrow issues. I guess the most developed relationships have depth and breadth (two words that comm scholars LOVE).

Anyway, I just think its interesting to see how values are embedded into our scholarship and just in the way we think everyday about relationships. Increased intimacy is considered to be a positive thing while decreased intimacy is considered negative. But we can all think of times when increased intimacy may be exactly what we don't want.

I don't have some alternative suggestion for this, but it makes me think of Christianity and in general, just putting people into categories. I remember when I was telling my youth group leader in high school about the new guy I was dating. His first question: "Well, is he a Christian?" Of course I understand the importance of this question and why he was asking me. But to me, it really does no good to try to squish someone's spiritual journey into a yes or no question. Asking if someone is "in" or "out" of the christianity circle doesn't seem too helpful.

In the same way, it's interesting to hear how people give their narrative of their spiritual journey. Is it linear? Is there some "THERE" that people are trying to work towards? Do you ever really get there? Is that really the point?

I don't really know how these things all connect. I just think that sometimes in our attempts to make things neat and tidy and fit into theories and models and yes or no questions that we lose some of the real stuff. The real reason we were interested in asking those questions in the first place. And sometimes we need some other alternatives. Believing in models that paint some picture of life as moving in one direction that makes sense and shows some state that we are aiming to achieve just sets us up for disappointment and disaster, I think.

That's why narratives are so important. Unless it's a fairy tale you're reading that ends with "happily ever after," people's personal narratives are ever-changing. Our histories are constantly being re-written. We have to keep up with each other's narratives - make sure we know how our friends and family are telling the story of their lives and how we fit into it. This whole thing facinates me. Our pasts and our memories are so malleable, but yet they are so important because they impact things and affect things in the here and now. Finding out that your spouse doesn't think it was love at first sight and you do -- this difference in stories can be cause for conflict.

And one event can change the whole way in which we tell our story. It can change the things we highlight and the things we downplay. A person becomes a Christian and their whole narrative changes to before and after. To all the bad things you did before you found Christ to all the good things you do now. You finally come out, and you tell the story of how you've always been attracted to people of the same sex, but never felt able to talk about it.

This is all so tied into our identity. Our histories, our stories - they have to make sense with our current identity and the place we current occupy. Perhaps our identities shift and move and certain parts of us become more salient at different times and as we tell different stories about ourselves.

We try to make sense of things, but when our experiences are so malleable and can be seen from so many perspectives, what is the REAL story? Does it really matter? Perhaps there are a million ways to tell your own story. And each story has different implications for how you're going to live your life from this day forward.

So, in the midst of muddling through each day, I guess I have to ask myself where I am in the story I tell of my life? How will I look back on this period and re-tell it?

I guess we'll have to wait and see. And if you ask me tomorrow, it might be a different story than I tell next week.

Indie Bride!

2005-03-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

Well, in an effort to procrastinate and also to search out the origins of some marriage traditions, I came across this site called indiebride. I have to tell you that I'm very excited to find this site for a couple of reasons.

First, I realize I am not the only one out there who is excited about planning a wedding and yet somehow feels like she is betraying her feminist ideologies by buying into the whole huge consumeristic mess. I mean, have you looked at how many wedding magazines are out there on the market? It's insane! All these articles and etiquette and honeymoon locations and special outfits.

Anyway, so this is a site where at least people seem to be thinking about issues a little more deeply. I'll let you know what I learn!

MARCH!

2005-03-01T11:08:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's March already. Where is this semester going?!

I discovered the other day that it is very easy to download sermons from CRCC's webpage and put them on my iPod. So while I waited for the bus (which was 20 minutes late) this morning, I listened to a sermon about prayer given by patsy f a few weeks ago. Technology is amazing.

Not sure where I would say I am spiritually lately. On one hand, I feel bad for not finding a church around here and on the other hand, I just don't want to go to church. Not that I don't want to put the time into god, but I don't know. I just feel disconnected from the church experience lately.

Then the other day, while I was in the nail salon (sounds silly, I know), I started talking to this woman while we were waiting for our nails to dry under those funny UV lights. I don't really even remember home the conversation started, but somehow she was telling me about her six kids, all of who are adopted, and her grandkids, and her husband who started this organization called the second mile. I remember seeing a program on it on local cable tv last year. I sent Jesse an email right afterwards telling him about it.

Basically they have all these outreach programs for youth. The program on it made me cry because this tough teenage boys were really being affected and having their lives changed because of the presence of the people at the second mile. And hearing them talk made me want to be involved in this.

So anyway, after talking to this woman (Dottie I think?) for a long time, I had to leave, but decided that it was a sign that maybe I should get involved there. They are Christians and go to a church around here, but I'm more interested in getting involved in their outreach and getting connected in a real concrete way. Maybe the church part will come later.

Okay, I'm sending in the interest form. Time to DO something!

the light..

2005-02-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

Things are brightening up for me. Here's why:

1. I leave for Florida in 11 days. Sunshine!
2. I bought a wedding dress this weekend.
3. I resolved some issues with friends.
4. I have gathered some motivation to keep working on my thesis (although this has not translated into actual work yet).
5. I feel a little less tired.

I am working towards that feeling of laying on the beach with the sun warming my skin (it better be sunny!).

Here's to hoping that spring comes to state college soon!

ahhhh

2005-02-16T12:18:00.000-05:00

the mornings have been the worst lately. i wake up early, groggily force my body to make it through grueling work outs, stumble into the shower, try on a million things which never look good, grumpily walk my dog frustrated at him for not being quick about his peeing, and then scrounge the kitchen for something healthy to make for lunch. by the time i leave for school, i'm already frustrated and feeling really negative about myself and my life, especially as i consider all i am to accomplish each day.

i know that everyone goes through tough periods like this, where life just gets you down and even the little things seem like they are the biggest obstacle on earth. i know the cliche - 'this too shall pass' - but i don't *feel* like the end is anywhere close to being in sight. and everytime i think about what i need to get done this semester, i just want to go into my room, shut my door, crawl under my sheets with a great novel, and leave a sign outside announcing to the world that i am unavailable until future notice. or else get into my car and drive far away on roads i don't recognize just for the feel of freedom and a place that doesn't know me, judge me, or place demands on me. dramatic, i know.

but i just hate being this unhappy and i honestly want to change my outlook but i don't know how. i am trying to take things one task at a time, but i even feel incapable of handling that. and my guess is that it's not just the task things that are getting to me, but all the stuff that's been going on in my personal life.

okay, enough wallowing. sorry to make you read that. especially if you're having your own struggles. i have to believe that somehow i'll make it through this year, even if it sucks. as my mom reminds me, the greatest predictor of future success is past success. i *will* get my degree, even if it kills me or lands me in a mental institution!

let's hope next time i write, i'll have more uplifting things to say!

Time to help!

2005-02-15T09:21:00.000-05:00

Okay everyone, if you remember my post about Burundi and the link to my sister's website, then here is the follow up:

http://www.africanliaison.org/index.htm

Jodi emailed Claude about finding a way to donate online, and so here it is!

I know there are a LOT of causes that are in need of support, but if you feel like you want to help the people of Burundi specifically, then here's your chance.

You can try to raise money from people you know and then donate it online or just give what you can give to this site.

Post the link to the site wherever you can and if you want, include Claude's letter.

Hopefully we can at least make a small difference in a few people's lives.

The foods of LOVE

2005-02-11T11:53:00.000-05:00

Do any of you have exciting plans for Vday? I'm making Jesse dinner including chocolate crepes (which I am nervous about -- never made crepes before). Any advice on crepe making?

Here are some clips from an article I read about the foods of love. I thought it was interesting so I'd share it.

"Montezuma, they say, drank 50 cups of chocolate a day to increase his virility. Casanova popped raw oysters daily. And Marc Antony fed Cleopatra grapes to get her in the mood. Foods that purportedly increase sexual desire or performance, or aphrodisiacs, have been part of our cultural lore (and Saturday night courting rituals) for millennia.

Some foods, such as chocolate and chili peppers, are valued for their physiological effects, like heat or euphoria, thought to mimic the flush of being in love. Other foods are prized for their erotic shapes or textures (think bananas and oysters). According to Jonathan Zearfoss, Professor in Culinary Arts at the Culinary Institute of America, while the science behind the lore is scant, the psychological effect — knowing a food is rumored to have amorous powers — can count for a lot.

Zearfoss recommends cooking at home to increase romance. "We associate food with love. Making a meal for someone shows there's caring and commitment and that in itself will predispose people toward positive feelings." He also suggests serving interactive food, like fondue, or dishes that have to be eaten with your hands. And if all else fails, there's always chocolate, a treat whose psychological associations with decadence and sin, says Zearfoss, are practically a shortcut to seduction.

Ready to get started? Here are some classic aphrodisiacs and healthy ways to work them into a romantic Valentine's Day dinner à deux:

Oysters: They're loaded with zinc and are believed to have, uh, a positive effect on the male libido. Have them shucked, then arrange the half-shells on a tray of shaved ice and serve with fat-free sauce: mix together rice vinegar, chopped ginger, diced chives and a squeeze of lemon juice.

Lobster: It's pricey — but very worth the splurge. If cracking them at the dinner table doesn't make your heart thump, remove the meat ahead of time, mix with mango, red onion and a light dressing and scoop into lettuce cups for "mmm"-inducing finger food.

Asparagus: According to folklore, its vaguely suggestive shape drives women wild. Combine with mushrooms and saffron for a heavenly risotto — just skip the finishing butter. (For added flavor, purée half of the stalks — not tips — with a cup of the cooking broth.) Lazy day option: Spray asparagus with nonfat olive oil cooking spray and roast until tender; sprinkle with sea salt, lemon zest and chopped parsley.

Chili peppers: Certainly, they make you hot and sweaty. Whip up a spicy salsa to feed to each other on baked tortilla chips, or spoon on top of poached white fish or chicken breasts for a main course. Just chop rehydrated ancho or pasilla chiles with tomatoes, onions and cilantro.

Chocolate: It contains the potentially mood-enhancing stimulant phenylethylamine, which is thought to relieve depression — and the Aztecs swore by it. You don't need much — pear halves poached in a sugar-water solution and drizzled with store-bought chocolate sauce is elegant and delectable. Alternatively, break up a small, high-quality dark chocolate bar to munch with dried apricots and figs.

Strawberries: They're juicy — causing you to lick your lips a lot. Make individual trifles by layering sliced berries with low-fat ricotta whipped with almond extract. Or, simply drizzle with good balsamic vinegar. "

Enjoy!

Less cleanup!

2005-02-08T15:14:00.000-05:00

Jesse sent me this quote today -

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion .. . . I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

So, I'm all up for some laughing! Post any funny jokes or stories or embarrassing things that happened to you and we'll see if we can get some laughter going.

I'll start:

Courtney and I were backpacking in Europe the summer before junior year of college (2002?). While in Prague, we switched hostels which meant we had to lug our packs on the bus.

Now, the bus drivers in Prague forget that buses are not sports cars and take turns like they're on a race track. They also forget that some people are standing on the bus and that turning very fast and speeding are dangerous.

So there I am, too short to get a good grip on those bars over my head, bracing myself as the bus whips around turns. My pack is a good 40 lbs. and suddenly, I lose my balance and topple backwards onto the tiniest 98 pound woman sitting on the aisle seat. As if it wasn't bad enough to fall on her, I couldn't get up. I was like a turtle on its back trying to get up - my arms and legs flailing, trying to grab onto something. The entire bus is staring at me for what felt like an hour and NO ONE is helping me. Courtney is at the end of the bus, looking slightly mortified and completely amused.

I finally manage to grab some guy's hand and plead "HELP!" He didn't really have any choice and I pulled myself up, turning quickly to see if I completely squashed the poor tiny woman beneath my bulging backpack. I apologized profusely although I don't think she understood me and said something about the crazy bus driver and the turns.

The rest of the ride, I kept my head down and focused intently on trying not to let my feet sway one bit, thinking that everyone must be looking at me -- the stupid american girl with the huge backpack who squished a poor small woman who was just trying to get to work.

Now, your turn!

The little things...

2005-02-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

Wasn't it that band BUSH back in the 90's that had the song lyrics that said "oh it's just those little things that kill"? I might be making that up.

Anyway, I feel like I have only had enough emotional reserves to deal with life without any glitches. One minor thing goes wrong and I'm in tears. It's so silly, but I can't help it sometimes. I broke my rice cooker yesterday (it was dearly loved), got a parking ticket today, overslept (what happened to my alarm?!), forgot to do my homework until right before class, and then when I attempted to do my work out tape after dinner, I managed to break my VCR and the cable internet connection at the same time.

Now my tape is stuck in the VCR and the VCR won't even keep its power on. I love that work out tape too. In my frustration of trying to get it to work, I somehow broke the cable plug to our modem. Figures. Jessica remedied it for now, but still. This last thing going wrong put me over the edge and I called my mom in tears.

I sometimes wish I didn't have video tapes or rice cookers or cars and then things wouldn't be able to go wrong with them. Ya know? We have so much that I think sometimes it makes us unhappy. Isn't that ironic?

After some good talks to mom, Jesse, and Vickie, I managed to pull myself together and write three pages of my paper due on Thursday. It's not much, but it sure is a start. And at this point, I need to hold onto those little accomplishments.

So, goodnight all. I wish all of your electronics better luck than mine.

Decisions and REBT

2005-02-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

So, I got an email on Friday night telling me that I have been accepted into the PhD program at the University of Texas at Austin. I'm definitely happy - it's nice to be wanted. And although I haven't gotten my official letter yet to tell me if I got funding or not, I did get an email from a friend who attends UT. She went to PSU for her Master's program and started at UT this past fall.

She loves it there, but wanted to tell me about some shady things she heard about the interpersonal faculty. I was glad she told me, but this just made me feel even more like maybe I am not meant to be there. So, we'll see what kind of package they offer me (if any) but for now it looks like I'll be at PSU for my PhD as well. Let's hope I can figure out what faculty member I could work with.

This past weekend was pretty good, although I'm feeling more and more stressed and weighed down. I guess I knew going into this semester that it was going to be really tough, but now I'm doubting my ability to get through it! Somehow things always get done - I realize this - but it doesn't mean it's going to be fun.

Jesse has been trying to tell me about some cognitive tricks to change how you feel. REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) I think it's called. I just googled it and found this article. The basic concept is that people can change how they feel by changing their irrational beliefs about things that happen. Instead of speaking in absolute terms and thinking about events in terms of "shoulds" and "musts" and all that, you're supposed to replace those thoughts were more flexible terms in hopes of not feeling unhealthy negative emotions.

I definitely can be quite dramatic about things -- at least I talk that way. So maybe I do need to try to change my thoughts about a lot of these things I have on my plate right now and maybe I'll be able to handle them better. Honestly, my first year here was so difficult, I'm sure I can get through whatever comes my way this semester. The problem is that I'd also like to have a life and be happy as well. We'll see how well I can balance these things.

Okay, enough complaining for me right now! Hope you all are having a happy monday morning.

Let's DO something

2005-02-04T10:27:00.000-05:00

Please go read this amazing and heart felt post that my sister wrote and let me know what you think we should do.

How can we read something like that and NOT help Augustin and his people? How can we hear someone pleading to help and just turn away?

I said the other day that I didn't know what I could do to help, but it seems like this is a real opportunity to do something for anyone that feels that desire.

Links

2005-02-02T09:49:00.000-05:00

So it was crazy to see my dad on larry king live last night. my heart was beating so fast everytime they asked him a question because i was so nervous for him.

overall, it was a frustrating show to watch and i definitely didn't envy his position being up there.

if you want to catch up, here is a link to aaron's blog with some video highlights and here is the transcript of the show.

who knows what will come of this, but hopefully some people watching saw a more compassionate face of christianity.

if you saw it, tell me what you thought! i will try not to be offended even if you criticize my dad! ;)

How cool is this!

2005-01-31T17:59:00.000-05:00

My dad is featured in time magazine!

He's definitely has a LOT of different views than some of the other influential christians listed with him, but it's pretty freaking amazing he is even up there!!

And the picture is cute too!

Weekend Recap

2005-01-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

well we went to see hotel rwanda on friday night. it was really intense. there wasn't even a lot of gore but enough to shed light on what went on. it's incomprehensible really - all those lives lost, all the blood shed, all the hatred.

it makes me feel shameful and guilty for everything i have. it makes me wish there was something i could have done. it makes me wish i could do something now for all the horrible things that are going on around the world, and especially in sudan.

but what can i do? donate money i suppose. put pressure on our representatives to send help and make it a priority. there are a lot of suffering people in the world. with the tsumani, this has become clear once again. when you think that 200,000 (approx) died in the tsunami and how hard that is to comprehend and how the whole world is turning to help southeast asia, and then think of the 800,000 people that died in Rwanda...and who knows how many are dying in the sudan and how little help (if any) was sent there...it just makes me sad. i don't mean to compare two totally different things and make one seem less tragic or anything. i don't know, i'm just sad about it.

and i just don't know what to do.

i definitely feel what jodi has to say in her most recent post. you see things like that, you think about other people's lives and it is really hard to concentrate on these seemingly insignificant things in your life. i mean school is obviously important, but there are so many silly little steps, hoops to jump through and it makes me wonder, is that what we were meant for?

i don't know. i'm feeling a little confused lately and somewhat unable to focus on things. i'm definitely excited about my future and excited about getting married and all of that, but at the same time, i just feel the weight of a lot of other things. hopefully i can manage my time a little better, find a way to make my time meaningful and not just ME focused, and find some time to make some serious progress on all the things in need of my attention.

Fancy Titles

2005-01-28T09:46:00.000-05:00

So, I'm still getting used to being engaged. The I thought about the fact that Jesse is now my fiancée and that I too am a fiancée. This means that I currently have an ACCENT over a title used to describe me. I have never had an accent over anything that referred to me and so this fact makes me happy.

I also discovered that there are in fact TWO words that sound alike (at least I think they do, but I may be dumb about this):

Fiancée - engaged woman

and

Fiancé - engaged man

How curious! Am I the only one who didn't know this?

I would also like to inform anyone reading that today I am in a supremely strange mood which I attribute to lack of sleep and end of the week jitters. Don't ask what the jitters are about though because I won't be able to answer you.

Okay, and now to SWITCH gears a bit to something more serious:

It scares me to death that things might happen in my relationship, in my forthcoming marriage (!), that I won't be able to handle. It scares me to think that two people can just become so distant and estranged and wonder how they ever ended up like that in the first place. Relationships can morph when you're not looking, I have found this out in the past. Because I am pretty sure most people don't get married thinking "yeah, this'll probably end, but what the hell? why not give it a try!?" Most people, I think, believe that they will make it. That they will be different and not part of the 40-50% of marriages that now end in divorce.

OH my gosh!! I just realized that there may be ONE other time that you get to have an accent on a title associated with you - divorcé - is this a real word? Perhaps I made it up...

Okay, anyway, so it just scares me that things change so much. and in a negative way in particular. people get unhappy and the over all those days and weeks and months, things happen and bitterness grows and the past gets tangled up and it's hard to know how to untangle it. and something that once seemed like a cute habit now drives you crazy and small things become big ugly problems that take up so much space that there's no room to live. and i guess the commitment might keep things going on the surface, but in reality the relationship may be dead. or at least really cold and distant.

this all worries me. already. i want to make sure that we can figure out ways of handling things in the future. even though we have no idea what that future will hold. what sorts of things might happen.

so i came up with an idea. first, jesse's idea is to go to pre-marriage (and i'm sure post-marriage) counseling. i'm up for this, and although i have never been to a counselor, i believe in them. so yes, this is a good idea. add it to the list.

but my contribution and idea is a book. i just thought of this today. a book that we would write in as notes to our future selves. we could put happy things, like good memories and silly times. but most importantly, we could write down the lessons we learned with each and every previous disagreement and misunderstanding or insightful conversation. Perhaps this is silly, but I envision having something to go to, to remind us of where we were of what we learned about each other in the past and then hopefully of some hope to get through the current difficulty.

i'm sure as life gets hectic the book will be left behind. but maybe we won't need it anymore. maybe we will just get in the habit of storing away those special moments and insights so that we can recall them whenever we need a little reminder of why we're in this at all.

one of my comm teacher in undergrad said the secret to a happy marriage is having low expectations. what do you think about this? i'm the eternal optimist, so i'm sure you can guess what i think...

okay, i guess that's all for now.

happy friday everyone.

Miracle Water

2005-01-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

I was watching TV while getting ready yesterday morning and saw a infomercial for "Miracle Water" being sold by some evangelist. Even though it was horrific, I couldn't stop watching.

And then suddenly, I thought I was going to cry. It's not because I was struck by the healing power of the spirit of god or anything. It was the whole exploitation of these people and I just felt so sad. And then it was almost comical. I kept teetering between laughing and crying.

There was the woman who asked Leroy (the evangelist) to meet a man she could marry and a month later she met him. Then she drank the "blessed" miracle water and wanted to lose weight and she lost 10 dress sizes. And the comes on the evangelist and says "Can you imagine losing 10 dress sizes!? Order this miracle water today and you'll be blessed and never struggle again." Something to that effect.

There was the woman in an audience of some church who got up and threw her walker down, not needing it anymore. There was a woman telling the story of her son who was ill and couldn't play with friends, but the drank some miracle water and was healed! The doctors couldn't explain it.

Come to think of it, they were all women telling stories - at least the ones I heard. Maybe men already have god's blessings and don't need it.

Anyway, what do you all think of this? How can anyone do that? Exploit faith and put it into a bottle to sell, handing out empty promises of god's blessings?

Being the research queen that I am, I looked it up some info today and found out some ironic things. His name is Leroy Jenkins (read his testimony - "miracle arm") and apparently at some point in the past he had to stop distributing the water because it was making people sick. It had some bacteria in it and was unsafe. I guess he must be back in business if I saw this commercial yesterday though.

Here's some more classic quotes from this guy, if you want to read them. Apparently he promises healings for those that can produce $1000 check.

I'll leave you with this:

"You have to be willing to give to Him. Whatever you make happen for God's work, He will make happen for you. You see, they obeyed Jesus and poured out what they had. If you want God to bless you, you have to pour out something to Him. The Bible says in Luke 6:38, 'Give and it shall be given unto you.' This was Jesus talking. He was saying, 'Give God your best and He will give you His best!' What is your best? Is it $100 or more? then give that. If it is $50, give that. If it is $30, give that, or the closest thing you have to $30."
(Leroy Jenkins, letter from his ministry 2004)

Uninspired

2005-01-26T10:22:00.000-05:00

First, I am so uninspired right now regarding work. This job is BLAH and I miss teaching and I guess I'm just waiting for this to be over.

My main duty is to promote this new group work facility on campus. I had some motivation in the beginning, but now that's all gone. I really just don't care and don't want to do it anymore. I am making presentatins in classes to inform students about it...but besides that I'm doing very little. And since I'm in charge of this, all the motivation and ideas really have to come from me. Usually I'm really good at that, but this spring semester is not looking like one of those times.

I wish I could think of some new project that would get me excited and revved up about this again. Let me know if you have ideas!

Maybe being in school my ENTIRE life is getting a little tiresome. Sigh. Or maybe it's just this job.

Freezing!

2005-01-21T10:33:00.000-05:00

So right now, according to weather.com it is 10 degrees but it feels like 0 degrees. And even though we are lucky enough to have the sun shining today (which is rare), it is still miserably cold outside.

I always think about homeless people when it's so cold out. Instead of waiting at the bus stop for 20 minutes in the cold, hoping it will get there soon so you can go to your nice warm building and work and then go to your nice warm home...they live out there at the mercy of the elements. I know there are shelters out there, but sometimes people don't like to use them.

During undergrad I briefly worked with the homeless outreach project. We would stop at a shelter, pick up notebooks and information and usually a drink (hot or cold depending on season) and then walk around in philly. We had certain routes to walk each week and after talking to the "regulars" we would later write down info about them in our books. That way we could keep track of who was still on the streets and if they got any assistance or needed anything.

These faces from the few times I met them, have left lasting impressions on me. The blind woman who played her recorder outside an upscale bookstore in hopes of making a few dollars from passerbys. We helped her cross the street one day to a payphone so she could call someone she knew who worked at a restraunt in hopes he could bring her some extra food that night. The vetern who lived in a dark corner alley that spoke to me about things I could not understand, about wars, about death. The friendly man on the bench in LOVE park that collected all the cigarette butts from the streets and smoked what he could out of them, burning his fingers often. The thin older woman who had been on the streets for years, talking at a jittery pace, twitching, moving constantly, not wanting to talk for too long. The quiet man sitting near a large fountain, mumbling, refusing to talk to us. An unidentifiable person sleeping in a mound of old blankets.

These are the people I think of when it gets cold.

After the first time I went with Homeless Outreach, the mayor of the city made a new law. No one could reside on a city street or place for longer than fifteen minutes. And no one was allowed to give the homeless food or drink. This, he reasoned, would clean up the streets of Philadelphia. If no one feeds them, they will disappear. If they are constantly harrassed and told to move from one street location to another every 15 minutes, surely they will go somewhere else. Become someone else's problem.

And the people going to the Opera in their fancy gowns and tuxedos won't have to feel guilty. They won't have to look at the mound of person sleeping near the stairs or the blind woman playing her music or the man scrounging the streets for a smoke.

After the experience of talking to these homeless people, I always try to talk to other homeless people in other places. I don't always give them money, but I always try to make eye contact. To let them know that I see them. To let them know that they still exist - they aren't invisible to me. I think that would be one of the worst feelings. To be suffering in a city of so many people and feel so alone. To be a nobody every somebody that walks by. I know just looking someone in the eye doesn't give them food or a place to live, but sometimes that's all I can do.

Anyway, I think I'll stop complaining about being cold. For me, it's temporary. Others aren't so lucky.

The story...

2005-01-18T10:07:00.000-05:00

So just in case you didn't get to hear it from me, here's how he proposed.

On Saturday morning I went with some friends to look at wedding dresses (for the two that are engaged). We ooohhed and ahhed appropriately and had a lot of fun watching them try on many styles and tiaras and veils and everything.

When I got home, I started working on making a soup for a dinner we were all having that night at one friend's house. The guys were at a sports bar watching the game for the afternoon (or that's what we thought). I left my apartment around 6 PM to meet for dinner but the guys didn't get there till around 7. We kept calling them to tell them to get here, but they were too into the game and said they would be there soon.

So we hang out for awhile and finally around 10:45, Jesse and I leave to head back to my apartment. When we walk in the door, all the lights were off, so I switch on the hall light. He turns it off. I was like "Why did you do that? I can't see anything!" He says, "Well, what's the light coming from your room?"

So I drop my stuff and walk into my room to see THREE HUNDRED gerber daisies (my favorite) in all different arrangements and vases all over my room. There was gauzey white fabric covering my dresser, my bookshelf, my desk and tons and tons of tealight candles burning. On my dresser, there was a bottle of champagne, a framed picture of us, tons of flowers, this fancy little rasberry cheesecake and in the center, the ring box - open.

I was SO surprised and shocked, I just sat down on the floor in the middle of the room and laughed and laughed. I was just taking it all in and just so floored and surprised and HAPPY most of all. So Jesse is just watching me and laughing at my reaction and I finally say "Do you have a question to ask me?!" And he says "YES! Do you want to marry me?" And of course, I say "YES!!"

The ring is just what I wanted. It's white gold, square brilliant cut in a catherdral setting. If that doesn't mean anything to you, that's okay. Just know it's sparkly and it fits.

Jessica, my roommate, was one of the ones in on the plan (among others). Apparently the flowers got delivered that morning while I was gone and they put them in another person's apartment to stay for the day. As soon as I left at 6 PM to go to dinner, Jessica called Jesse and the guys came over to set things up. When we left the dinner at 10:45, Jesse called Jessica and told her to go light the candles. She did an amazing job setting everything up. My room was so beautiful, I didn't want to touch it or sleep in it.

Anyway, after it happened, I proceeded to call my family members and some friends (it was late though!). It's been a fun, crazy weekend and I'm sure this semester is going to be even more crazy! But I'm excited and looking forward to everything.

Okay, that's my story. Isn't it a good one?!

This weekend....

2005-01-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

I got engaged! He proposed last night and I said YES, of course.

Tomorrow I'll write the story of how it all went down. Right now, I'm still too excited to sit down and do any one thing for more than five minutes.

But I'm really happy. And I can't stop staring at my finger. My hand looks older now and more sophisticated.

okay, more on the actual proposal tomorrow. :)

Yay!

Whew

2005-01-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

Well, the defense was definitely a little nerve racking. They weren't mean or anything, but I did have to "defend" my choices often. And they made *a lot* of changes/suggestions. I guess no one comes out without changes, though.

Basically, they just upped the complexity of my study. It's going to take more time and going to be a lot harder to analyze, but ultimately I think the product will be better and I'll have data to use in the future if I want to try to write other papers out of it.

It was hard to not come out of there feeling a little down though. I mean they were all very encouraging and assured me that it was great I was this far already, but still...there is A LOT of work to be done. And a lot of work to change the work I already did. Add that to the three classes I'm taking (had to drop feminism and add a stats class) and working 20 hours a week, and I'm cooked (as brett would say).

well, here's to a semester full of productivity and accomplishments!

Wish me luck!

2005-01-13T09:22:00.000-05:00

I don't even know if I believe in luck, but send some positive thoughts my way this morning was I head into my thesis defense. Hopefully they'll give me the go ahead and I can move onto the next step of this process!

I am happy to say that I have almost made it through an entire week of classes and that I have managed to get up every morning at 6 AM to work out. Not that that will last, but I am going with my P spurt while I have it. Maybe it will last long enough to whip me into shape for spring break. And maybe some exciting spring break plans will emerge that are worthy of being whipped into shape. We shall see.

I'll update later on how the meeting went! Let's hope they don't grill me too much.

New Beginnings

2005-01-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

I love the idea of something being new. Of having a fresh start. And I guess a lot of people do. That's why we call it a "new" year and why people make resolutions. When I think about 2005, I really do think it's going to be a different year. Some things are going to change without me trying to change them and other things are going to take some effort.

Here's some things I'd like to happen this year (besides the ritual "get in better shape" and "eat better"...both of which I intend to do.)

stop being so absorbed in my own head
start really seeing people
make opportunities to have meaningful conversations with people
contribute to my community
try to be a better long distance friend
find a church...or some other spiritual place to be a part of
read books for fun
learn a new skill (maybe sewing)
do unexpected thoughtful things for people
become friends with someone new
travel to another country

what are your hopes for this year?

Forever

2005-01-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

"Forever" -- Ben Harper

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems to be around when it begins
but forever never seems to be around when it ends

So give me your forever
Please, your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me, I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find my forever a home

So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems to be around when things begin
but forever never seems to be around when things end

So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Sigh

2004-12-18T07:34:00.000-05:00

So, I finally finished up everything and got home last night. My thesis proposal is in the mailboxes of my committee members and hopefully I can defend it when I get back from break.

I just wanted to post a short blog here to say, I'm done with another semester and I feel great! I called a bunch of my friends last night and caught up with some people I haven't talked to in a long time.

And on Wednesday we went out for karaoke for Kirsten's birthday and it was great! Jesse even got up there with Dan and they won a competition singing "build me up buttercup" - so cute!

Well, today we are picking trev up from the airport and decorating the tree. good times.

Merry Christmas all of you!

Comprehending death

2004-12-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

i haven't been on AIM in forever, but i was procrastinating so i signed on to read some away messages and maybe chat with some friends from home. when i looked at one profile though, i read something i wasn't expecting. it was a tribute to a guy i went to college with, one i did many theater shows with. i immediately panicked. was he dead? if so, how? was he sick? i frantically mesaged some people i thought would know.

and i found out, yes, he was gone. after a head on car crash with a drunk driver and three weeks in ICU he died on december 4th. and the funeral was this past weekend. all my friends, the entire improv team, the masque, community development staff...they were all there. except me.

i can't stop thinking about him. but when i try, my brain just stops. i can't comprehend death. how can you picture someone not existing anymore? i mean, even if they exist in heaven or in another way....to us they do not exist. they are vanished, gone.

then i found a bunch of people's blogs that know him and i read all about the funeral and the days leading up to his death and how everyone felt. but i just found out. and it's hard not to have been included.

jess assured me that i would be added to the contact list for the masque (the theater group at la salle) so that i won't be left in the dark in the future.

anyway, once again i feel like things are put into perspective. does it really matter how well i do on this final? is that what is really important?

Running outta steam...

2004-12-13T20:03:00.000-05:00

I think everyone is just ready for this semester to be over. In runner's terms, I've hit the wall. I'm totally over it. I don't care how hard I've worked on anything thus far, I just want to throw in the towel and say "i'm out."

unfortunately, 25% of my grade is still waiting to be turned in. it's a take-home final with four questions. the page range is 21-38 pages for the complete thing. so far i have 2. ugh. that's a long way to go. this sure does feel like a marathon.

kito really wants to play. last night jesse and i sat in the hallway (we have a long hallway) at either end and played keep away with kito. then kito went to eat some of his food, but jesse and i just kept throwing the ball back and forth. it was so much fun not to think. then my roommate walked in, looking a bit perplexed at seeing us sitting on the floor playing with dog toys and no dog in sight.

I'm a member of blockbuster online (until my free membership runs out) so today I got the terminal in the mail. add that to the other two movies i have (a documentary on bonhoeffer and cold mountain) and there's tons of entertainment waiting for me. if i only i got muster up the motivation to push past the wall and keep on going till the finish line.

PS - A lighter note

2004-12-12T22:37:00.000-05:00

So, I just had to tell you this story. When we came to ring the bell on Friday for the Salvation Army, two other grad students were there. We were taking over the next shift.

Jill, a hilarious grad student who amazes me with her courage to say anything to anyone and her ability to think of witty comebacks in a flash, was offering to give people holidays hugs after they donated money.

People would walk up, usually eyes down, feeling awkward, and put some money in the kettle. Usually Jill and Audrey would say "Happy Holidays! Thanks!" But then Jill would stand there with her arms spread out wide and say "Would you like a holiday hug?" And surprisingly, everyone said yes! And most people said it quite enthusiastically, after the three seconds it took to really register what she was offering. One girl even said "HELL yeah, I'll take a hug!" It cracked me up.

I wanted to carry on this tradition while there, but I couldn't get up the courage. I wish I could have though.

Besides make me laugh, Jill made me realize something that night. First, it's always fun to catch people by surprise and it's always great to make people smile. Second, sometimes you just need to be that real with people. Sometimes you just need a hug. Yeah, we're strangers. But, hey, you're a person and so am I, and sometimes a hug really helps. If nothing else, she definitely made the night memorable for a lot of people. How often does a stranger offer to give you a hug and how often do you feel safe enough to accept such a silly offer!

So, go out and be courageous and spunky and catch people by surprise!

Weighing my options & other ramblings

2004-12-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here on my unmade bed. I always wished I was one of those people that got up in the morning and made my bed first thing. There are a few things scattered on the floor - a box, a bag of christmas presents, some socks, dog toys - although I really did try to clean up yesterday. My bookbag is waiting paitently next to me, ready to assist me, but it does look tired. It is that time of year afterall. Everywhere I turn, there seem to be these things that are in need of attention.

A lot of things have been going through my head lately, some of them more weighty and worth the time than others. Last night I got really down about my body. I haven't really had the time to exercise as much since the marathon, yet I'm still eating just as much as when I was training. I'm sure I've gained a few pounds and it makes me depressed. I don't like how I look. I realize I say a lot of degrading things about myself several times a day and usually to Jesse. It's not that I'm seeking compliments either or wishing he would tell me otherwise. I just have so many of these negative thoughts going through my head that I just have to say some of them sometimes. And it's sad that there are a million more left unsaid.

There's this big part of me that says "This is wrong. Why do you have this standard for yourself? Get out of it. Be happy with who you are." But those affirming voices that are usually so kind to others, are not so kind to me. Even though I can recognize the things that are influencing me and I realize that I'm thinking irrationaly, it doesn't matter. Sometimes you internalize things so much, that you can't separate who you are from these things that were engrained in you. And honestly, I don't want to separate them. I want to keep those standards close to me so that I don't let myself stray too far from what I want to be (or think I want to be). I don't want to accept it and buy bigger clothes. So instead of changing my attitude, which would take a lot of work, I'll just eat less and work out more until I like what I see.

I hate admiting all this. I really do. And maybe someday I'll finally mature enough to realize what's really important, which obviously isn't whether I weigh this amount of that amount.

Other than that, I've been obsessing about my future and decisions coming up with graduate school. Just writing this now I'm starting to feel more stressed about it. So maybe I shouldn't go into the details now. But basically, I just keep weighing my options about whether to stay here for my phd program or move on. There. That sentence made it seem much more simple than it usually seems in my head with all the potential consequences of those decisions swimming around.

On Friday morning, I was frustrated. The morning just got off to a bad start. It was one of those days where I just wanted to settle into a bad mood, wrap it around me like an old comforting blanket, turn off the lights, and wallow. One of those days when you don't want to be cheered up, even if someone is trying really hard to tell you a funny joke and make you smile. Just let me have this one thing, just let me have this bad mood. Don't try to make it go away, not yet.

But, I tried to move against this urge. In the car, I tried my best to turn my mood around. To try to change the trajectory of the day. I put on jewel's christmas album and reminded myself of all the prizes that lay ahead of me, just a week away - being home for the holidays. And, somehow, it worked. Even though it was raining and I forgot my umbrella. Even though I forgot some of the work I needed at home and had an overdue library book. Even though there were a million things I could be upset about if I really looked for them, I didn't. I just tried to float above it all and focus on things outside of myself, focus on the things that were going right.

Later that day, I went to the ring the bell for the Salvation Army with Jesse. I was talking to the couple that runs the local chapter. Here they are helping everyone in the community out, meanwhile their 19 month old grandson almost died last week because of a heart problem. And he still might die. But I bet they have things in perspective. They are familiar with the suffering of others and despite bad things happening in their life, they aren't cutting themselves off from what they can offer to others. And that impresses me. I want to be like that.

First, my life is not that hard and second, I think the best solution to a lot of my issues is just to get out of my own head and my own life and my own problems that seem *so* important to me, and get a reality check. Help someone else out. Try to spend more hours of my day thinking and focusing on other people. This might help me, I think.

Anyway, I suppose I've rambled enough over here.

Here's to a productive week with a positive attitude and a cheerful outlook. Here's to looking out at others instead of looking inward. Here's to being a good friend to others with the hopes that we will learn to be a good friend to ourselves as well.

A little tip

2004-12-03T09:43:00.000-05:00

I know that sometimes I can be overbearing with my advice and tips. I can be a little over the top with the amount of information I consume, especially when I'm interested in something. So, feel free to tell me if I annoy you with my constant tips, although I will probably be offended if you do get annoyed with me. I'm just trying to help afterall.

So here's some info I found out and thought I'd share with you:

A little website: www.donotcall.gov. Apparently, our cell phones will soon be fair game for telemarketers to call. I don't know about you, but my cell phone bill is high enough.

So you can go to this website to register your number on the do not call list. Or you can call 888-382-1222 from your cell phone to get it on the do not call list. It's so easy! And apparently it's good for five whole years.

The funny thing is that once I registered online (you can do up to three numbers at once!) it gave me a "receipt" and said to print it for my records. I am really thinking, why would I ever need a record showing me that I registered for the do not call list? Where would I put this document for five years? In a schedule book to remind me to renew my number in 2009? That's a long ways away. I bet I won't even have this cell phone number then.

Anyway, just my little tip for you. Hopefully you appreciate it. :)

Procrastination

2004-11-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

So tonight I made Jesse talk to me about all the potential other career choices I could pursue. I think I was trying to procrastinate and avoid facing my real life and current career path. I decided that I might be good at running a dog rescue or something. Like, I could be one of those people that goes undercover to puppy farms and then frees all the dogs and finds them loving homes.

Or maybe I could be a lifetime coach. I've heard of these people. They act as encouragers and life organizers for other people, trying to help them find their passion. The sad thing is I probably wouldn't be good at it because, well, look at my life situation! They wouldn't want to take advice from a person who is so unsure of herself.

Okay, enough of that crazy talk. Obviously, I'm going to finish up my program. But don't you just get those doubts sometimes? Like, maybe you're not really good at the things you thought you were good at? Maybe you've fooled everyone else too and soon they'll realize that you're just a fake? I know it's ridiculous, but really, sometimes you can't reason with yourself.

On another note, I did have a good thanksgiving break (the times I wasn't stressing about GREs or my thesis proposal). I got to see tons and tons of old friends (and meet some new friends too!) and I caught up on sleep.

Geez, the doubts are back...even about this blog! I just re-read what I wrote and thought to myself, "Oh, I shouldn't publish this post because it's so dumb. I should really think of something interesting or insightful to say about the world or something bigger than my own little worries."

It's tiring to live in my head sometimes. I can't wait for the semester to be over. Maybe I am not cut out for this grad school thing afterall. Sigh.

Help me?

2004-11-23T10:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm begging you to help me. It's sad, I know. But, I want a free ipod.

Basically, there's this website freeipods.com and if you complete a promotional offer and get five friends to do so too, then you get a free ipod or $250 gift certificate to itunes.

(Apparently, they also have freehandbags.com if prada is your passion. But who wants a designer bag when I can go for hours of digital music entertainment?)

So, if you're interested in helping me out and/or trying to get a free ipod yourself, then go to this site. I only need two more people to complete offers and I'm golden!

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=11630145

Thanks! I promise to post no more of these annoying pleas. :)

I'm still alive!

2004-11-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I have definitely been slacking on writing lately. But, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've just been sick. Really sick.

Thankfully, I'm finally feeling better this week. Last week it honestly felt like my brain was moving through molasses or something trying to think. I couldn't form sentences, articulate words, or think straight. I was totally fatigued and just completey out of it.

Anyway, so now I'm trying to play catch up. It always seems like that though, I guess.

I wonder if there is any way to feel like you're actually on top of things while you're in graduate school. I constantly feel like there is more I should be doing. This drives me crazy because I never stop feeling guilty or anxious. Not healthy, I know.

Jesse and I talked about it this morning. He tried to help me put things into perspective, which I needed. I am taking the GREs this week, which seemed like a good idea when I signed up a month ago. But now, it's just another thing that's completely stressing me out. I already have one score from when I took it 2 years ago and that score is just fine. But, silly me, decided that I should see if I could do better. Anyway, Jesse convinced me to just take it and not have them send it to any schools until I see my score. That way I have a little safety in case I bomb it completely. That made me feel one little bit better.

I just need to relax and realize I can't be super duper productive all the time. That's why being sick made me all the more frustrated. I was annoyed that I couldn't focus on anything or get anything done.

Luckily, I'm going home tomorrow for Thanksgiving "break." I'm hoping that admist all the work I'll be doing during that time, that I can stop and realize for at least a whole minute that life is not all about school. I'm sure once I see my friends and go out for a few drinks, it won't take long for me to realize that. I just need to get out of my own head for awhile.

Anyway, so as not to talk about school for this ENTIRE post, I do have other things to say about my week.

I watched *three* movies last week while I was sick. That's definitely some kind of record for me. Mean Girls, The Stepford Wives, and Shrek 2. All of which were entertaining and fun and exactly what I neeeded. OH wait! I also watched ELF yesterday...that makes FOUR. ELF was also really cute.

I watched it while hanging out with some friends and eating a pre-thanksgiving thanksgiving dinner. It was delicious. And I didn't miss the Turkey one bit. Jesse seemed to have a great time, which made me happy. I think he is feeling like he is really making some friends here. And I am too.

I sure do have a lot to be thankful for. And when I dwell on all those things and people that make my life rich, stupid things like the GREs and grant applications seem a million miles away.

Here's to keeping things in perspective!

My Return

2004-11-15T14:57:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm back from Chicago. It was a whirlwind trip and I didn't see much of the city, but a lot of comical things did happen (i.e. becoming best friends with all the locals in a pub near the hotel). The conference was pretty good, but also crazy with 5,000 people there. Some panels were worthwhile and the time spent there was definitely worthwhile. Especially since I got to meet the scholar whose literature I am using to write my thesis.

The meeting with her was a great affirmation that I'm headed in the right direction. She even offfered to talk to me on the phone about it as I'm writing if I need to bounce ideas off of someone. So I was excited about that.

But on the way home yesterday (9 hour drive!) I started feeling sick and now I think the flu has officially set in. Damn flu shots we never got. Ugh.

I have been having these horrible anxiety dreams and not sleeping well. But I think that is largely due to the stress at this time in the semester.

There are lots of happy things going on though. First, Dave finished his marathon in an amazing 3 hours and 57 minutes. Awesome!

Jenn quit her sucky job and told her boss exactly how she felt about him and the *real* reasons why she quit.

Court and Suse kicked butt on their GREs.

Meghan is back from Europe.

Other friends are moving on and starting new chapters in their lives.

I have two days to finish my theory paper, a week till GRE's, and two weeks till my NSF application is due. But that's okay. Because today is a gorgeous day. Jesse has been so supportive and my mom even offered to drive up for a day sometime this week to take care of my sick self.

So, more funny stories later. For now, I'm taking lots of meds and pushing onward in theory land!

Lost the will to work

2004-11-08T19:37:00.000-05:00

I am so completely BLAH right now. 100% BLAH. Ever feel that way?

There's not even that many good reasons to be blah, especially since Jesse brought me bright red Gerber daisies today for no reason. And they are my favorite flower. I like them because they are so happy and bright and big and cheerful. And yet even those sunny flowers aren't lifting my gloominess.

As I've explained before, us "Perceivers" (Myers Briggs talk again) are procrastinators in many ways. But once we get that spurt of energy, we can get a lot done. So once again, here I am, hoping for something to inspire me and get me going.

The task at hand is constructing an axiomatic communication theory. We can build off of one that has already been created or propose a whole new one. Since my thesis is on hurtful communication, I want to write a theory about that. But, ummm, where do I start?!

You would think that in class we would have discussed how to go about accomplishing such a task. But we didn't really. We talked about what makes a good theory and a bad theory and what components we needed.

Oh how I could use a muse right now. That kinda rhymed. Ha.

The deadline is next Wednesday...Which leaves a little more than a week. The thing is that I am going to Chicago this Wednesday until Sunday for the national communication association conference. I'm really looking forward to this. I haven't been to one yet, nor have I been to Chicago. But, this also means that I won't be getting much done there...So I should be doing it tonight!

One cool thing that is happening there is I am meeting with a professor whose research I am basing my thesis on. She started the whole vein of research on hurtful messages and does a lot on family communication and emotions and attributions in general. She seems very friendly over email and one of my other professors called her a "superior human being" so this makes me even more excited to meet her.

Since I am going to the conference, I missing two things though:

1) Dave's marathon! He came out to cheer for me and I wish I could go to cheer him on at the Richmond marathon. I'm sure he'll do great though and I'm sure his family will give him plenty of cheers and encouragement.

2) Friend's wedding. Weddings aren't always that much fun, but hey, I feel bad I have to miss it.

Okay, it's like 7:45 right now...Maybe I should just MAKE myself go to the library. Even if I fall asleep on the desk there it might make me feel better.

Seriously, since the marathon a week ago, I feel like I am in a daze. I'm SO tired and out of it even though I'm getting enough sleep. Hopefully this will end soon and I'll be back to my normal peppy self.

Thanks for listening. Back to staring at a blank screen in need of 15-20 pages of theoretical brilliance.

Sigh.

The Youth Vote

2004-11-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

So, there seems to be some confusion about what role young voters played in this past election.

Here's parts of an article that gives some pretty compelling evidence to show that the youth did come through in this election - more so than any other time in history. Read on...

"If there was one group who really came through on Tuesday, it was the young people of America. Their turnout was historic and record-setting. And few in the media are willing to report this fact.

Unlike 2000 when Gore and Bush almost evenly split the youth vote (Gore: 48%, Bush: 46%), this year Kerry won the youth vote in a LANDSLIDE, getting a full ten points more than Bush (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%).

Young people were the ONLY age group that voted for Kerry. In every other age group (30-39, 40-49, 50-59, etc.), the majority voted for Bush.

In Michigan, observers noted that it was the record youth vote that helped to put Kerry over the top in the state (AP: "Young Voters Played Big Role in Kerry's Michigan Victory")

Contrary to all predictions and to tradition, MORE young adults (18-29) voted in last week's election than in any other since 18-year-olds were given the right to vote in 1972.

It was the first time that a MAJORITY of all young adults came out to the polls: 51.6%.
Young adult turnout was UP more than 9% higher than the 2000 election ("Big Voter Turnout Seen Among Young People").

4.7 million MORE young adults voted in this election than in the last one. All these numbers are likely to go up when the millions of provisional ballots (and absentee ballots) are counted later this week (it is believed that young people were among the hardest hit in being forced to vote provisionally and students away at college make up a large bulk of the absentee ballots).

Rock the Vote and MTV's "Choose or Lose" had set the seemingly unattainable goal of getting 20 million young people out to vote. In the end, nearly 21 million youth voters cast their ballots last Tuesday -- A RECORD.

In the day after the election, the pundits were spewing their hot air about how the youth vote didn't matter this year. I wonder, even though they have the same facts available to them as I do -- the ones I've cited above -- do they just chose to ignore them because it doesn't fit into their tired old routine they call "conventional wisdom." I guess it is easier to simply repeat the same broken down clichés than it is to find out what the truth really is.

And it's even more important to kill what smells like teen spirit to them. God forbid if young people ever realized their true power and used it. Maybe what young adults need to continue to do is keep creating their own new media and news sources on the Internet and through other new technologies. Just bypass the old farts on Fox and CNN and all the rest. One thing's for sure -- by never challenging this president on his lies that sent our young off to war, they have proven which side they are on and it isn't on the side of the young or the future.

Congratulations, 18 to 29-year-olds -- you rocked. "

I think that pretty much says it all.

I finished!!

2004-11-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

As I write this, the glow from my victory of completing my marathon has been diminished because I am so frustrated and disgusted at the results of the election. I wish I had written yesterday about my marathon experience so that I could express the full excitement of it all. But today I just feel so BLAH and upset and disappointed about the prospect of living under Bush for another four years that it's hard to get excited about anything.

But, I'll try.

OK, deep breath.

Onto the marathon!

It was wonderful! It was difficult! It was thrilling! It was agonizing! It was worth it!

Tons of people came out to support us including my parents, sister, friends from PSU (Jill, Jessica, Chris, Nick), Casey's mom and best friend from Mississippi, Dave and Madaleine, Meghan, Courtney, Vickie, and 100,000 other spectators! It was such a boost to see them throughout the race, even if it was only in passing. They had signs and words of encouragement and just seemed happy to be there.

My dad said it was more exciting than any sporting event he had been to. And my mom said she couldn't believe how many people were there running. It is quite an inspiration. What was also inspirational were the spectators and the Marines. Everyone was so encouraging. And since we wrote our names on our shirts, we personalized encouragement which was awesome. "Rachel, Casey, Jesse...you're doing a great job! Keep going!" Another guy I saw at the 20 mile mark said "Rachel, what is this? A walk in the park? You look great!" People kept telling Jesse he had a nice smile. And on the 14th street bridge (which was killer) there were people with signs that said "YOU'RE HOT!" At the 22 mile mark, spectators were handing out cups of cold beer, which made me laugh, but I didn't take any.

The marines were at all the water stations and they were so sincere in their encouragement, too. They took really good care of all of us runners. At around 18 miles, this one marine was yelling out "3 miles - that's all I can do! And look at you guys...you've already done 18!"

The runners were really in the spirit, too, especially since it was Halloween. We had the Madonna lady with the pointy boobs, the kermit the frog guy (his 12th year running the MCM in costume), the fireman (in full gear, including an oxygen tank on his back), and many other memorable characters.

People had lots of things written on their shirts, too. Things like "Running from the bus!" Or "I'm not getting on no bus!" which were referring to the bus that picks you up if you don't get past the 14th street bridge in time. If they have to open the road and you're not done, the bus takes you to the finish line.

The first few miles were so hilly and my IT band was definitely in pain. I didn't want to tell my teammates, but I was worried. Luckily, I had taken 800 mg of IBProfin and took another 800 at 9:30 and then Tylenol around the 15 mile mark, which luckily Dave had in his bag!

The scenery was beautiful but it was HOT. I think the high was around 79 degrees that day and it definitely affected everyone. They had 4 times the number of heat related injuries (including one guy who passed out on the 14th street bridge and split his head on the guard rail). People were even passing out in the metro stations afterwards. ("They're dropping like flies" said one metro station employee).

I was trying to soak in all the beauty, especially when we went around the golf course near the potomac. Leaves were blowing off the trees and all around us, we were in the shade, and the breeze was making little waves on the top of the water.

We all had our challenges during the race. My knee hurt at the beginning. Then Casey's head cold started moving to her chest, making it really hard to breathe, so she slowed down. Then, Jesse felt nauseous around mile 18 and started walking. So I kept going since I felt okay. I was worried that the pain meds would let up any minute and I'd be doomed.

Although I felt bad that we split up, I also enjoyed those last six-seven miles to myself. I mean, I wasn't really alone, because there were tons of people, but it was just me and my goal of finishing and the road in between. Jesse and Casey weren't there to tell me to keep going and encourage me. They weren't there to help me keep the pace. It was just me and whatever motivation I could muster up inside myself. My muscles started cramping up around mile 22, but I knew I could finish, so I just kept telling myself to go as long as I could and then walk when I needed to. And I just kept doing that. I was just in the zone and although it was very intense, it was also very calming. When you're that focused on something, it doesn't leave room for anything else. It's cleansing in a way...and it's hard to explain. Luckily, I never felt like I hit the wall...at least not until the last .2 miles.

The stretch between mile 25 and 26 seemed to go on forever. And when I finally saw the mile 26 marker, my legs were burning. Unfortunately, the last .2 miles are up a hill to the Iwo Jima memorial. With such a short distance to go, I didn't want to stop, despite the pain and cramping in my legs. But when I made it up the hill, there was still .1 mile to go...and I must have looked like I was about to cry or something, because this AIDS Marathon coach who was on the track ran up to me and said "You're almost there! I'm going to run with you for a minute, okay?" And I needed that! She ran with me around the bend until I could see the finish line. "You're going to make it!!" And so I pushed on, and stumbled across the finish line. Five hours and twenty-four minutes. Wow.

Meghan, Courtney, and Vickie said they saw me run up the hill and tried to get my attention when they were cheering me on. But they said I was really focused and didnt' see them. At that point, I couldn't be bothered with anything else.

I thought the finish line was a little anti-climactic because you don't even see anyone you know. But a Marine put the medal around my neck and then I wandered through the hospitality tent through some gross looking green juice and bananas and then eventually found my friends and family.

I've been riding high on that feeling for the past few days, through the soreness and then limping. But you know what's amazing? My knee DOESN'T EVEN HURT! I mean, other muscles are in pain, but not my knee. I have no idea what did it. Maybe it was Casey's mom who did this acupressure point crystal thing on me on Saturday night. Maybe it was the medicine. Maybe it is a miracle. Either way, I'm psyched.

So, bring on more marathons. Now that I'm done one, I can't wait to do more. And if you're interested, next year's Marine Corp Marathon doesn't even have a lottery...you can just get in. They want 30,000 runners for their 30th anniversary.

This year, the total number of registered runners was 22,666, the highest in MCM history. 16,987 runners crossed the start line and 16,499 runners made it to the Iwo Jima Monument to finish the race.

You can see my results here. I finished number 11,710. Yikes. And you can see some pictures here.

Okay, back to being depressed about the election. More on that later.

Prayers, positive thoughts, whatever

2004-10-28T09:56:00.000-04:00

So the marathon is 3 days away. THREE days away! And my knee is still hurting, despite having been to 17 Physical therapy sessions in the past six weeks. I have another session on Friday to get one last dose of the topical anti-inflammatory into my knee before the race and then that's it! Six months of training are coming to an end in what will hopefully be a triumphant completion of my first marathon.

So for all of you who pray or meditate or have a gift for affecting the future in some way, I could use some help! Send those positive thoughts my way and the godly requests upwards.

Or, perhaps you could help in the following ways:

Do you know someone who gives cheap coritsone shots in dark alleys?

Do you know a doctor who could prescribe some serious pain medications that would get me through, oh four or five hours of intense exercise?

Do you know someone who has superhero healing powers?

Are you aware of ways to run 26.2 miles only using one leg?

Are you an expert in putting mind over body and overcoming physical limitations?

Please contact me ASAP if you have abilities or know someone with abilities in any of these areas.

If not, well then, just wish me luck and if you're in the area, come out and cheer. You can even get email updates during the race that will give you updates on my time. Sign up here.

I'll give you a full report afterwards...assuming I make it through!! :)

"But you look like such a little girl!"

2004-10-26T09:27:00.000-04:00

So these are the words that a student said to me this morning in the Teamwork Center when I told her that I used to teach public speaking. "They must not have taken you seriously at ALL!"

I could feel the frustration coming back all over again. That same annoyed feeling I get every time that someone tells me how young I look. Grr. I responded "Yeah, well I am a graduate student. And they did take me seriously. I dressed up a lot more." I said these words confidently, as if she would believe that dressing in a suit and some pearls made me look my age.
I know this is something stupid to get annoyed about, but people tell me this SO often, I get sick of it. Especially when they say it in such an offensive condescending way (who wants to look like a "little girl"?!).

Here's a list of some of the people that have commented on how young I looked -

1. Man on the street while walking my dog. (He swore I was in high school even when I told him I was a graduate student.)

2. Woman doing my manicure. (Stated completely out of the blue: "You look SO young!" And she didn't even mean young for my age, because she didn't' know my age. She just meant I looked young in the generic sense....Which I don't even really understand.)

3. Annoying drunk guy at outdoor concert at PowerPlant in Baltimore. (I admit, I was acting slightly obnoxious, but ONLY because I was imitating one of my friends. He turned to me and said "How old are you? FIFTEEN? Why don't you stop acting like that?" I wanted to punch him in the face.)

4. Brother's friends. (When I went to visit him in CA when I was a senior in college and he was a FRESHMEN, I got introduced to some of his friends who asked what year I was. When I told them I was a senior, they asked what colleges I was applying to and started offering me advice. I had to correct them - I'm applying to graduate school, not undergrad. And I don't need any advice.)

5. Little kid (literally, in 3rd grade) down the street. (This conversation was particularly humiliating. He would not believe that I was older than my 17 year old sister, and kept saying "NO WAY" when I told him I was six years older. I didn't know little kids could have such a strong idea about age!).

OH and my personal favorite:

6. Flight attendants on the way home from California - this one deserves further explanation.

So Meghan and I just went to visit Courtney out at Stanford. We got split up on the flight home and somehow I got seated in the minors row. You know, the kids who are flying alone and have to be monitored by the flight attendants. So, I'm kind of annoyed that I am sitting without my friend, but I wasn't aware of the fact it was a minor's row until...

"Excuse me..."

I take off my headphones. "Yes?"

"Excuse me, honey, but where's your sticker?"

"My sticker?" Clearly, I'm confused.

"Yes, everyone else has their sticker, now what happened to yours? We need to get you another one."

I look around at the other kids and indeed, they do have stickers that proclaim their status as minors.

"Oh...I see. Well, I'm not supposed to be in this row, I'm not a minor. I just got placed here."

She acted as if she didn't even hear me. "No, no we have to find you a sticker." And off she goes.

The other flight attendant, a male, comes to our row and says in a kindergarten teacher voice, "Now, everyone look at me. I found these keys. Are these your keys? Take a close look. Are these your keys?"

Then he notices, me. "Oh no - where is your sticker?"

"Um, listen, I'm not a minor. I'm not even supposed to be in this row. So I don't have a sticker. And they're not my keys."

"No, you have to be a minor to sit in this row!"

After going back and forth about this, finally, exasperated, I pull out my license and show it to him. "See!? I'm NINETEEN YEARS OLD! Now, will you please stop asking me where my sticker is and leave me ALONE?!"

***

So this morning, years after the flight incident and after being told how young I look time and time again, when a student years younger than me says that I look like such a "little girl" can you see why I get annoyed?

I'm going to be like 30 and going into labor with my first child and then nurses are going to say "Oh, how sad. Another teenage pregnancy. She's so young!" And then I'm really going to have to flip out.

Why won't anyone believe me?

And, I guess more importantly, why do I even care?

I've gotten this far

2004-10-23T13:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I dragged myself here to the office during the Homecoming football game in hopes of getting some work done. Sad, but true.

Now that I'm here, I'm not really sure I am ready to delve into all this work.

I have been putting it off though, so time to hunker down. (Is that the right use of that phrase?)

I remembered some other funny things Michael Moore said last night. He was talking about the Republican party and what they have vs. what the Democrats have. He said, "Well, George Bush has GOD on his side...GOD! Who do we have? Ben Affleck? I mean I love the guy, but God beats Ben Affleck every time!" Then, when we left, I picked up a little door knob hanger (the ones that usually say do not disturb) that says "DID GOD TELL BUSH TO BOMB IRAQ?"

Okay, enough pondering on the festivities of last night. Back to the impact of hurtful messages on relational distancing. Hmm...

Michael Moore

2004-10-23T01:12:00.000-04:00

First, sorry for the depressing and weird last post. Maybe I'll explain that later.

But, onto more important things, like the present. I just got back from seeing Michael Moore on his "Slacker Uprising" tour and I'm totally invigorated. Yes, the guy is extreme and out there with a lot of things, but he is doing a lot of good and motivating a lot of people.

I don't know how many thousand people were there tonight, but it really did give me hope that maybe Kerry can win this election. Before tonight I thought that getting out there to vote was enough, but now I realize that I really need to do more. Whatever I can do to convince other people to vote in the next 11 days is crucial. I know the Republicans are out there doing their job, so I need to do mine.

Anyway, among the issues he talked about were 9/11, the war, media's coverage of the war and of politics in general, and minority issues (of women, gays, and non-whites).

He talked about extreme conservatives on TV, including Bill O'Reilly and his new book - The O'Reilly factor for kids. Did you know this existed? Included in it is a section on "sex" and advice to "girls" and "guys." The jist of it was - girls, guys only want one thing and as soon as they get, they'll dump you. And for guys, beware of girls who only want to use you to brag about their sex life. You'll end up looking like a loser. Or something like that. It was ridiculous and if you're in a book store, it might be looking up on page 96 or 76 or something to get the exact wording.

Some of the funny incidences of the night included a series of six "VOTE BUSH" ads that Moore made and is kindly giving to the Republican party to show in the coming days. One of them, called "Duck" had shots of a war and the voice over said "When John Kerry went to war in Vietnam and bullets were shot at him, he ducked. Do you want a president who ducks?" Another, "John Kerry had long hair [shot of Kerry in the 70's]...now he has SHORT hair. What will he do next? No flip flops in the white house. Vote Bush."

Moore's next film is going to be on pharmaceutical companies. Apparently, they got wind of this and Pfizer sent out a "secret memo" that some pissed off employee forwarded to Moore. He read it to us and it basically said "If you see a heavy-set white man with a beard, rumpled clothing, and a microphone, you might want to think twice about talking to him. Word has it that Michael Moore's next documentary is on pharmaceutical companies and we're not sure if he's pro or against." Haha. Then it went on to give a Michael Moore hotline number to call if he approaches you. So of course the audience screams to give us the number, and everyone holds up their glowing cell phones (quite a sight!) and enters the number. He told us to call on Monday morning and whisper into the phone in a desperate and frantic voice "He's in the building!! Quick! I'm under the desk! Send reinforcements...he's getting closer! Please come!!"

Good laughs were had by all.

But when he started talking about the war again all the letter he got from soldiers (published in his book - Will they ever trust us again?) and all the lives that have been lost their, I almost started to cry. It just all seems so unfair and unjust.

I am really glad I went and really glad that our school hosted this. Mike Gallagher (a conservative radio personality) had his own talk and "protest" at a different part of campus. I was expecting to see a lot of protesters at our event (with signs like "NO MOORE LIES" or something), but they weren't.

All in all it was a really great night. He is quite a motivational speaker and really made me want to get more involved and do more than just turn in my ballot on November 2nd.

If he comes to your city on his Slackers Uprising tour, you should definitely go.

Your Story

2004-10-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

When the same day comes along
a year or two later
it dawns on you,
things are different

the past begs to be remembered, to be compared
the ways things are now vs. the way things were then
and you think, which is better?
and you try to make sense of the way things have unfolded.

and since time alters the way you see all things
where is the truth in any situation?
the past changes everyday
as the mind bends and stretches memories
reinterpreting them, forcing them to fit through your current lenses
accentuating parts of the past that were once unimportant,
weaving them into a story that makes sense of the life you're living today

so i wonder, now that a year has passed,
what have i become in your story?

Burned Out

2004-10-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, I have only been working really hard for like three days straight, but I am so tired right now.

I am on this kick to finish my thesis proposal (the first draft anyway) so I can enjoy this weekend. But this means that I have been at school to 11 PM or midnight every night and that my mind feels like mush.

Unfortunately, I have a midterm today in my epistemology (aka communication theory) class, which means I need my brain to be sharp and focused.

Wish me luck.

2004-10-06T10:57:00.000-04:00

First, Happy Birthday to Jen today! Head on over to her site and leave her some birthday love!

Okay, I don't have much else to write right now, except for that I am really super tired and I can't seem to liven up.

I keep feeling incredibly guilty that I don't have my thesis proposal done yet. I know it will get done eventually, but this guilt is paralyzing me. It keeps me up at night. Oh no! I'm taking six thesis credits and what do I have to show for it?! AHHHH!

On a happy note, I made homemade cheesecake for my roommate's birthday yesterday. I hate a big piece with cherries and whipped cream, but I refused to feel guilty for that. Every bite was heavenly. Yum.

On the guilt note, and since I am reading stuff about emotion for my thesis, here is a question for you. Some researchers assert that emotions developed because they help us make decisions. Emotions motivate us to act certain ways and give us more information about our environment.

If you agree with this, what purpose do you think guilt serves?

October!

2004-10-04T10:37:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe it is already October. This is freaking me out. Midterms are coming up and deadlines and this is all just a lot for me to handle. I was able to keep these thoughts at bay this weekend, because I went home for the 26 mile practice run.

Speaking of the practice run, a miracle happened. And I needed one. The most I've run since my injury was 5 miles, and that was last Wednesday. Every other time I tried to run, the pain got so bad I couldn't go on.

But I was determined to get in at LEAST 10 miles this weekend. My two teammates were aimed at finishing the full 26 in preparation for our marathon on October 31st. I did lots of stretches before and tried to keep a positive attitude and somehow ran 20 miles!! I walked four miles at the end, but still! I crossed the finish line running (rather pathetically, I might add) and received my AIDS marathon medal. I was so proud. And it gave me just the confidence booster I needed. I'm confident I will be able to finish the marathon in a month, even if I have to walk at the end because of my injury.

Well, that's it for now. I suppose I really should do some work.

Congratulations

2004-09-30T13:25:00.000-04:00

Congratulations are in order. My dear friend, Ms. Rees, has just landed herself a posh new job in dupont circle at a health care PR firm. I'm so proud of her.

Yay for no more menial tasks for a sexist boss that doesn't appreciate you.

Here's to many exciting opportunities, new challenges, fresh faces, and brilliant ideas.

Smiles and things left unsaid

2004-09-30T13:13:00.000-04:00

I saw two things that made me smile while walking on campus today.

1. Picture this. A tall man, sunglasses, hat backwards, classic jansport bookbag, looks about 70...on a razor scooter! It was so cute with him gliding along, hunched over this little scooter, pumping away with his left foot. I wanted to stop him and say "good for you! keep riding!" but decided this would be offensive, so I kept walking.

2. Then, a couple feet down the road, there was a man in a business suit, college-aged, carrying a shopping bag and dragging behind him the cutest, puffiest, plumpest little golden retreiver puppy hopping along with the most cheerful tail. This little pup looked very new at the whole walking with a collar and a leash thing. He kept stopping and looking up at the man, like "Um, excuse, what is this around my neck?" But the man couldn't do anything to make him keep walking, because the collar was loose and looked like it was about to come right up over the pup's head if he pulled. So there they were walking and stopping and getting tangled up, trying to negotiate their whole new relationship. Anyway, this made me smile and I wanted to say "Hey, your puppy is so cute! Can I pet him? How old is he?" and many other questions dog owners like to ask. But I decided that the man looked like he was in a rush and probably everyone had stopped him that day to say the exact same thing. So I kept walking.

Library Naps & Escapees

2004-09-28T10:16:00.000-04:00

So yesterday my week got off to a good start! I went to the library from 12:45 - 4:15 PM to work on my thesis and was pretty proud of myself. I do have one confession though. I fell asleep at my library table for about a half hour. I had just eaten lunch though and it was so warm in there and I couldn't focus. But instead of giving up and going home, I just took a little snooze and then got back to work.

I read a lot about appraisal theorists and theories of the elicitation of emotion. One interesting book I am reading is called "Thinking and Feeling" and has a bunch of different articles on perspectives of cognition and emotion. Which comes first? Do they affect each other? All interesting stuff.

I brought another peach for lunch today. So far, it hasn't been attacked by any of my other lunch items, so it's juices are in tact and it has no bruising (yet).

Kito got out last night. He is usually pretty good about not running out the door, but last night I guess he just wanted a taste of freedom. Can you blame him?

JBS was taking the trash out through the sliding glass door, and Kito just ran through his legs and out into the world. JBS dropped everything and took off. I ran to the fridge, grabbed the bag of shredded cheese, left the fridge and back door open, and ran as fast as I could to catch up.

I realized I looked ridiculous. I was running up the street yelling "Kito!! Cheese!! Kito!! Cheese!!"...Who wouldn't question my sanity? These elementary school kids stood at the corner, laughing at me, and said half-seriously "good luck."

I see Kito a block up, peeing in a neighbor's yard. JBS is gaining on him, but as soon as he gets close, Kito darts across the street.

So we're both huffing and puffing (yes, even us marathon trainees - we're not used to sprinting!) trying to catch up with my little dog when he makes a crucial error that led to his capture. He tried to run up the on the porch of this house, but when he got up the steps, it was blocked off, making him trapped.

JBS grabbed him and I hurried over to give him some cheese ("see? coming home gets you treats!") and we proceeded to walk home. Unfortunately in my haste I didn't bring a leash, so we had to carry him home, which got tiring. Not to mention that we again looked ridiculous carrying our dog home.

I couldn't help but laugh though. What a little 10 minute adventure for my pup. He kept looking back to make sure we were following him. It must have been exhilarating. Of course, this wouldn't have been funny at all if we didn't catch him. But since we did, I can laugh about it.

On a different note, I have more physical therapy today. I was so bummed about not being able to finish that 6 mile run on Sunday that I am losing hope of my recovery in time for the race. Let's hope for a miracle.

Random Info on Monday Morning

2004-09-27T11:34:00.000-04:00

Here are some random things on my mind this morning:

I saw Garden State last night - great movie. Definitely go see it and listen to the soundtrack - it's amazing. And if you want, you can check out Zach Braff's blog.

I am disappointed about my lunch. I carefully put a peach in my lunchbag in hopes that its delicate skin would not be squished or punctured. But, alas, my tupperware dug into it, leaking peach juice everywhere. Although I am disappointed, a bruised peach is still better than no peach at all.

I am desperately trying to be productive at work, but it's really hard. I keep getting distracted. Luckily, I'm done in about 15 minutes and I can go work on my thesis.

By the way, as a follow up to the post a few days ago:

The Master of P & A becomes the ABD (T) means:

The master of Procrastination and Avoidance becomes the All But Dissertation (or Thesis). Let's hope this isn't me.

Can I...

2004-09-25T14:35:00.000-04:00

Can I just say that friendships are complicated?

Schedules

2004-09-24T11:19:00.000-04:00

Guess what?

I made myself an hourly schedule for today. Isn't that impressive? If you don't know me, trust me...it's impressive.

I am reading this book about the thesis process (from start to finish!) and decided, yes, I too need a schedule.

Technically I am taking SIX thesis credits right now, which means I should be working my butt off with it. Instead, I have been avoiding it by playing sims 2, walking my dog, learning pilates stretches, reading books not related to school, opening new email accounts, running short distances very often (still healing)....and other fun things that don't involve my thesis.

Perhaps this post itself is an excersise in procrastination. The one kind of funny (but not really) thing in the book is their little mantra that they say you should put on your wall.

The master of P & A becomes the ABT.

I'll let you think about what that could mean.

Off to physical therapy!

Why not kill everyone we don't agree with?

2004-09-23T13:21:00.000-04:00

Jimmy Swaggart tells congregation he'd kill gays
by David Batstone

Here's the quote in a sermon that was televised around the world and received shouts, laughter, and applause from the audience.

I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm gonna be blunt and plain, if one ever looks at me like that I'm going to kill him and tell God he died. - Jimmy Swaggart

As the authors David Batstone states,

That's the theological loophole for what passes as Christian morality these days. Simply demonstrate why the other person, or race of people, has forfeited their status as a human being, and you can do with them what you will. By the way, that is the same theological loophole used by the church in Latin America to justify the massacre of millions of native Americans during the Conquest; they were not deemed human beings.

Jimmy Swaggert's apology?

I was unwise in making the statement. All of us have made statements we wish we hadn't made. That was one for me.

Want to know more or do something about it? Click on the link above to read the full article and cthen send Jimmy a letter. There's one already written for you and you can just add your name and send it along as a little reminder to Jimmy that God doesn't exclude anyone from his love.

Traveling Preachers

2004-09-23T10:52:00.000-04:00

When I got to school today, there was an article on the front page of the Collegian about the family of eight traveling preachers that I ranted about in my last blog.

Here is the article if you want to read more about it. Let me know what you think.

I think the issue of freedom of speech and harrassment are particularly interesting.

Friend of the World...

2004-09-23T08:01:00.000-04:00

So this week is the career fair, which means all the undergrads are getting dressed up in suits and giving out hopeful resumes to potential employers.

For some reason, it also meant the need for a family of street preachers to descend upon the center part of campus.

As I'm walking to class, here is the first sign I see:

Find Jesus
Not a Job
A friend of the world
Is an enemy of God!

Well that pissed me off.

Then I read,

Find Jesus
or PERISH.

Then, I hear what they're saying. Something about how the university is brainwashing us and how we're not learning how to really get by in life, how we're not concentrating on what matters, like finding Jesus. Then he presumptously informs us that all of us are going to burn in hell if we don't repent. I wish I had a videotape.

So students start laughing and making jokes, "Oh, well I guess I'm going to hell, what about you?"

As I continue down the street, I see more of them, with more signs, yelling more things and offending more people.

Finally, I reach my building and walk into class in a small rage. Why does anyone think this is a good idea? Where in the world did they get the notion that a friend of the world is an enemy of god? I mean, I suppose I knew what they meant by this, but what did Jesus DO his entire life? He came for those who needed him most, for the world....he befriended the world.

And, what's all this hell talk anyway? I mean, are those fear appeals really in all honesty supposed to work? Do they believe in their heart of hearts that by telling everyone that they are going to hell, that they will be converted and find god to be a loving god? Fear only gets you so far, people. And, plus, I don't even know if I believe in hell. I certainly don't believe it's a way to introduce people to the kingdom of god.

I have heard street preachers before, but for some reason, yesterday made me especially mad. For one, who are you to assume that because I am a university student that I'm destined for hell? So I should drop out of school where they brainwash me about unimportant things and then do what...? Become a street preacher? Wouldn't that be comical - a world full of street preachers?

Plus, didn't they think that maybe a few people ARE Christians already? And yet they just ASSUME that we are all sinful, sex-crazed, alcohol-drinking, flippant people. Even if we ARE people like that, so what? Might we still have a place in god's heart? Might we be on a journey of our own, even if no one else can see it? Who are they to judge?

So I talk to my friend once I get to class, and ask her, "Do they really think they are going to convert people with those tactics? I don't want to have anything to do with their god."

And she says that in one Christian church she went to, they told her that if she didn't tell everyone that she came across about Jesus and they went to hell, that she was going to go to hell too because she was responsible for them. Whoa. I never heard that before...and it shocked me. More fear appeals. What a life to lead, frantically trying to save your own ass by convincing other people they were on the road to hell.

So, why am I writing this all? I guess I'm just ranting. But also, it really makes me upset more than anything. I don't want to be associated with their god. In theory, I like to think I'm pretty tolerant of all the types of followers of Jesus. But, when I come across people like that, I have a really hard time being understanding of them.

I wanted to go up to one of them and have a conversation. Ask them something that challenged their paradigm and made them think. I just couldn't think of what that question would be.

What would you say to one of them if you could?

Where's my motivation?

2004-09-21T15:35:00.000-04:00

Ever get in those motivational slumps?

My mom has always told me to "just wait for the 'P' spurt." For those of you who don't know about myers briggs, p = perceiver and basically means that you don't do well with structured schedules and that you enjoy generating options more than making decisions. It also means you tend to be less organized than J's (judgers) and wait till the last minute to do things often. Sometimes this pressure makes P perform better. So a P spurt is when you all of a sudden get the surge of energy and desire to do something.

Growing up, I had to wait for P spurts to clean my room or organize things. I would be looking for something random in my closet and not be able to find it and all of a sudden it hit me. I had to reorganize my entire closet and perhaps my entire room right at that moment. Usually that momentum would get me through three quarters of the project. If I was lucky, it kept up until I finished the job.

So when I was home this weekend, moping about my thesis and wondering how all that work ever gets done, my mom says, "You'll do fine, just wait for P spurt." Of course, I think, I'll just wait for the mood to strike me, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I don't have to try to get motivated. No, it was just descend on me like a strong wind and push me to complete all my necessary responsibilities. Until then, I can't be blamed! I am much more successful and productive when I have my P spurt to support me. So, why not just let it all go for awhile?

The only problem with this is that sometimes the P spurt doesn't visit you before the necessary deadlines. Then what is to be done?

I'm in one of those P-spurt-less slumps this afternoon. I came home at 2 to read some articles and do homework and so far what have I done?

- made lunch (steamed broccoli and potatoes)
- Watched an episode of the makeover story
- checked my email an unnecessary amount of times
- downloaded Napster (I get free streaming songs through school! Currently listening to coldplay's live album)
- drank a ton of diet green tea
- petted my dog
- read 1/2 of one page of one reading
- wrote this blog

I have refrained from playing Sims 2, as I know this will gobble up more hours than I planned for.

Maybe I will take my dog for a walk and pray to the gods of P-ness (haha - say that out loud!) to
bestow upon me a P spurt that will get me through all of these hundreds of pages of reading and maybe even a little thesis work.

P.S - I just did a spell check...and "blog" is not in the blogger spell checker! Isn't that funny?

Conversations with Strangers and Computer Goodbyes

2004-09-16T16:19:00.001-04:00

So, yesterday, on my way to the physical therapist for my knee injury (update: I have injured my IT band, but it's getting better) I passed a man walking on campus. I guess I was just thinking really hard and making a weird face because my knee hurt, but as he walked toward me, he stopped and said "Are you okay? You look upset!" I was completely caught off guard and managed to mumble a semi-convincing "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks!"

Then I started thinking, I'm not really feeling totally fine, but did he want me to tell him that? Did he want me to say, "Actually, I'm in pain right now and worried I won't be able to run the marathon I've been training for." He asked in a such a sincere, thoughtful way that he probably would care and listen if I told him what was really on my mind. But I was too surprised that someone actually noticed me and said something to me and I couldn't respond. The interaction stayed with me throughout the day though and I'm not sure why. It was out of the ordinary, yes, but it was also sweet and it made a difference for that moment. We're all walking around campus looking straight ahead, so self-absorbed that we forget others. And even if we notice them, rarely do we say anything. What if we did though? How would that change things besides increasing the number of weird looks people get?

Anyway, then today, I was in Best Buy, which brings me to the computer goodbyes portion of my blog as well as my second stranger interaction. First, I must admit I am addicted to the sims, but my computer hasn't been playing it recently. Every time I try to use it, my computer shuts down. So, in anticipation of sims 2 (which came out today), I brought my computer in to be fixed this past Saturday. I stopped in today to buy sims 2 and decided to check in on my computer while I was at it (I do need a computer to play it on, afterall!). So they told me basically my computer is "defective" and that they'll give me $1050 to buy a new one from their choices of stock. This made me happy but worried. I hadn't backed up any of my hard drive! So I begged them to let me take my computer home and see what I could get off of the hard drive before giving it back and trading it in.

So here I am, typing on my computer for the last time. I know I'll get a new one, but it's sad that this one is done. For the most part, it works okay. It just gets a little temperamental and shuts down sometimes. I understand that it takes up a lot of memory to play the sims, so maybe it doesn't like when I do that. But I've only had it one year! Such a short time for this relationship.

On my way out, I bought sims 2 and the guy at the register said, "I have to tell you, we have sold a ton of these today. What's the catch?" "Oh you've never played it?" I asked, even though it was an obvious question. I said "Well, it's addictive...and fun. I don't know what other people get out of video games, but this one requires creativity..and, well you should play it sometime." I had a difficult time answering his question, because in some ways, it was personal. What do you, graduate student female, get out of playing a game with simulated people living out a fake life? Good question! What do I get out of it?

While I contemplate this, I'm going to finish burning files to CDs and go back to trade this baby in. Hopefully I'll get something even better in exchange. And maybe I'll be able to ask a stranger a question that catches them off guard but somehow brightens their day. We'll see.