Tears

I'm not even sure if I can explain why I am crying right now, but I am. It's been a long day anyway, but suddenly I feel like an avalanche has come crashing down on me.

One little thing is all it takes sometimes to create an imbalance - one that you don't quite have enough resources to cover.

I just feel so inadequate. Like I'm trying as hard as I can and I still might be treating some people unfairly or not making the best decisions. Normally, I'm pretty confident about my abilities...But right now I just feel like giving up. Like I just can't handle one more complaint or email or comment from my students. I want to hear them, I want to make things right, but I just don't have space to process it and handle it.

I keep struggling to put this whole teaching thing this summer into perspective. No matter how bad it is, it will be over in TWO days. Anyone can make it through two days, right? And plus, my life could be so much worse. If complaining students are the worst problem I have these days, then I'm blessed.

Nonetheless, the stress and emotional response to all this is taking a toll on me. I keep doubting myself and then I get mad for not being more sure of myself. It's so hard not to let every little thing change you, knock you over, make you reconsider who you are and the way you're living your life.

How do you find that balance? A place where you are sure of yourself and confident, but at the same time open to suggestions and to the possibility that at anytime you could realize you were way off. How can you operate off the assumption that you are doing your best, while taking into account the probability that you are screwing up, too? It's so frustrating and inexact...

So, for now, I am going to bed. Maybe in the morning at least my confidence in my ability to handle my faults will be back in place.