Where I'm at

If you haven't noticed, my blogs are kind of back and forth. Either I'm talking about how my life sucks or I'm talking about how promising the future is. I can't seem to settle into one place.

But maybe I just need to stop trying to be something else (wishing my life were something different) and just be present in the moment I have right now. Even if it kills me to think my blog is just a place to vent about school and stress...well, that's what my life is filled with right now. At least at first glance. Hmm...maybe I also need to make a concerted effort to recognize the other things going on in my life. (See...the back and forth is here again!)

Well, this past weekend was a lot of fun. I didn't do one ounce of schoolwork. Friday night Jesse and I watched Sideways. It was a cute movie and now I want to learn more about wine! Saturday I had a meeting and then laid out on a blanket outside with some friends to enjoy the weather. People in central PA really appreciate good weather since most of the year it is terrible.

Saturday night we went to Meg and Eric's for dinner. Both of their sets of parents were in town. It is so fun meeting people's parents! I love it. You get to hear their stories and see what kind of dynamic they have with their kids...and it was just fun to be around some wiser, older people.

Sunday we actually went to church for the first time in a long time...and it was good. I wouldn't mind going back. Then we had a big easter dinner at Dan and Kirsten's house, complete with hidden easter baskets filled with candy! Jesse was excited about that part. Even though it was the first Easter I didn't spend at home with my family, it was a really nice time.

I've been thinking a lot about spiritual issues lately too. And I think that I'm going to start picturing god as a woman and try to connect that way. It's hard, because my brain automatically goes back to the male version...but I think it will be a helpful exercise for me.

So that's where I'm at. I am feeling a lot more peaceful about school. And I'm trying to be a bit more balanced and recognize the other things that I do outside of schoolwork. I have a tendency (as do most grad students, I think), to say "I didn't do ANYTHING today!" even when we actually did a TON of stuff, it just didn't include schoolwork. So I am trying to affirm the things I do daily that are meaningful and important...or just plain necessary (i.e. grocery shopping, cleaning). It reminds me of the RENT song, Seasons of love. "How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" I don't want to measure my life in papers I've written or hours I worked on research or in grades or in any of that stuff anymore. I'm trying to let it go and measure my life in...something else. Love? Yeah, cheesy as that sounds, maybe that's it.