What I need the most

Do you ever get that feeling of being so lost that you have no idea what you need to get you where you need to be?

Yesterday wasn't so good. I mean, nothing bad happened really. I got a lot done until about 3:30 (not school related though) and then plopped down on the couch in front of the TV and zoned out. I didn't even get up to turn on the lights when it got dark. I felt pathetic. Jesse is out of town, so there was no one here to drag me out of my self-induced misery.

I knew I needed to do something. Specifically WORK but I just couldn't do it. It was like if I moved at all, I would have to figure out what to do, and that was just too much to handle. Do I sound crazy? The structure of the weekdays usually means I don't have to deal with these decisions.

There was nothing that I felt like doing. It wasn't like "oh i'd rather be shopping or writing emails or making art". There was nothing I wanted to do and I knew I *should* be doing all the homework that has piled up so quickly. It's only the second week of school. Sigh. So I just got sad and all depressed again. And that sucks. Because I really thought this semester was going to be different. And then I was hungry, but there wasn't anything to eat except some mac and cheese that had green noodles instead of the normal creamy colored ones. I haven't eaten mac and cheese in at least a year, but that's what I resorted to.

You would think I know myself well enough by now to figure out what I need to cheer me up. Like giving a friend advice when they're down. You'd think I could be a good friend to myself and say "Rach, what you need is just a little _______! Then you'll feel refreshed." But I just don't know *what* is going to make me feel refreshed.

My mom is the ever-constant comforter in my life. What would I do without her?

Maybe you just need to cry once a week Rach. I mean, you can't be happy all the time. And when you are happy, you're really happy. So it's okay to feel down.

Maybe that's true. But I hate feeling this way. I have enough to deal with without feeling so down and being so hard on myself. I wish I didn't make things harder.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Probably not, but I really can't help feeling like everyone else has it so together and gets so much done and doesn't struggle like me.

When I do get those spurts, boy, am I productive. But they seem to be appearing less frequently. And when they do, they don't have quite as much endurance as I'd like.

Do I just need to be more discplined? I did go grocery shopping today. Cleaned out the fridge. Made dinner already for when Jesse gets home. The bed is still unmade though. And I haven't opened my bookbag. There's always something hanging over your head if you let it.

Well, this was a lot of rambling. I apologize to the three people who read this blog. I know there's really nothing to say to me at this point and its get old to hear someone complain all the time. The truth is that when I'm around people in real life, I can't be like this. So inevitably it all comes out here.

I just wish I knew how to help myself right now. I wish I knew what I needed the most.