coffee talks

Well, I'm on my third cup of coffee for the day. I guess that isn't so bad, but I wasn't even a coffee drinker a month ago.

Today was long. And tiring. The kind of day where all you're doing is dreaming of how great it's going to feel when you finally climb into bed that night. Instead of realizing that dream, I'm sitting in front of my computer, avoiding the stack of books that are calling my name, feeling guilty. Kind of. And feeling kind of like I don't care. And then feeling guilty about not caring.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of school and why I'm here. I used to be so certain about my reasons before, but lately they haven't seemed like enough to get me through.

What should be the criteria for choosing what we want to do with our lives? I know you spend a lot of time at your job, so I'm assuming it should be something you enjoy. Something you can see yourself doing for a long time. Something that satisfies you in some way. And many jobs do not meet that criteria, so I'm lucky to think that a career in academia might be those things for me. But, I am just really wondering...what is it worth? What is the price I have to pay to have another three letters after my name? And why is it that I want this degree or thought I wanted it?

In my social cognition class we have been talking about motivation and intention and self-control and goals...and how our thoughts link up with our behaviors and how that all works. I feel like I should be able to overcome these challenges and find something, some way to motivate myself and get myself excited about all this...but I even lack motivation in motivating myself.

I don't want to complain though. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself like I do sometimes. I'm just kind of contemplative sitting here with my coffee. I'm wondering why I'm here in the middle of nowhere PA, wondering what it's all worth to achieve something you're not really sure you want anymore.

Well, I guess I can't afford myself the luxury of this meandering anymore. I have things I am required to learn by tomorrow. My brain is sore. The pillow will feel good tonight.