What I'm wishing for right now...

I wish I wasn't so miserable all the time. I just really dread working on school stuff, feel completely unmotivated about it, wish I didn't have to do it and freak out when it comes to the last minute and it's still not done. I don't know what to do about this.

Honestly, I'm just making myself hate my life and my role in it more and more and MORE. Do I need some time off? Do I need a new approach? A new attitude? Do I need more discipline? More focus? I just feel so INCAPABLE and so LACKING in every arena. This just makes me more negative about myself and causes this downward spiral in my thought process...sending me deeper and deeper into self-pity.

I really shouldn't feel bad for myself though. I mean, really, that's pretty sick. I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do. But for whatever reason I'm still unhappy, still depressed, still HATING school right now and all the demands on my time that just make me want to scream or cry or leave or SOMETHING. I'm sure things aren't as dramatic as I'm making them out to be...but that's how I feel. I'm overwhelmed and angry and frustrated and tired and just DONE. I'm so over this. It's like a marathon when you hit the wall. Suddenly, you don't care about all the training you've done, about all the people cheering you on. You just think "Why in the HELL am I doing this?" And once you're at that point, it takes a LOT to try to get your mind back to the place where you have the motivation to continue. Where you can see the reason you set out to complete such a daunting task in the first place.

So that's what I feel like right now. I'm over it. I'm over all these stupid ridiculous papers I have to write. I'm over my data collection and my insignificant thesis study. I'm over pretending like I care. I'm over my job. Over this whole entire SYSTEM that requires all this of me.

I just wish, wish, WISH I could walk away. Leave it all behind. Keep walking and walking and just be done with it all. I wish I could just get away from all the stress and the pressure and the constant feeling of dread that sits in my stomach. I wish I didn't have that lump in my chest, reminding me that my tears of exhaustion and frustration are right below the surface waiting to make an unwelcome appearance at some inconvenient time. I wish there was an end in sight. That there was some sort of reward that actually felt like all this was worth it.

I'm just having such a hard time right now! I'm trying to push myself through this dark places where there seems to be no light at all. Trying to just make it through the next ten minutes, the next hour, the next day, the next deadline.

Somehow, writing this has helped. I try to talk about things more positively than I think about them. And for once, in this, I'm just being honest. It's ugly, I know. I'm sorry.

I'll probably read this tomorrow and conclude I was being completely dramatic and ridiculous and take this post done. But for right now, these words need to exist and be recognized.