Sunday, April 24, 2005

Moving on

I can't stand to see that depressing post of mine up much longer, so I have to write something new. I'm not feeling that much better, but I have to push myself to keep thinking of coming out of the other end of this and the light at the end of the tunnel and all that. I do have to say that I am lucky to have wonderful friends and family in my life who are keeping me afloat during this tough time.

Jen left a comment on my last post about me maybe needing a dose of Sark. I do have lots of her little posters around my room. I just forget to read them. The one in front of me right now says:

your life is an adventure!
enjoy a tiny adventurous moment,
close to home.
it changes your perspective,
reminding you that the world
is deep and rich and full of
color and miracles.
Maybe I should make that my mantra for a few days. What kind of adventurous moments can I have close to home to change my perspective? Any ideas? What can I do to discover a little colorful miracle?
My mind has been very preoccupied thinking BIG thoughts or tiny little ones. I think it's tired from the work out and switching back and forth between these extremes. Like tonight I've been working on my personal relationships paper, giving my perspective on where I think the field should go and where it is right now. BIG thoughts that involve lots of synthesizing and analyzing and arguing. Then, I take a break and go look at things to add to my wedding registry and must decide whether to register for china or not or what kind of vacuum is the best. Yikes.
One thing that I was feeling bad about (but have now reframed) is my indecision. I went through this whole process of applying to UT and agonizing about where to do my phd and then I visited and decided nope, I'm not going there. I did the same thing with housing. I've looked at all these places, comparing pros and cons, looking at townhouses and rental homes and a million bajillion websites. I've taken tours, contacted realtors...called my mom several times to discuss. Talked Jesse's ear off about it when he had the patience to listen. And now, we've decided we're just moving into a new unit in the complex we both currently reside.
So I was feeling a little bad about this. Maybe I could have saved myself the hassle and just not made decisions about these things and kept the status quo. I felt that way until a professor stopped me in the copy room to ask about my grad school decision. I told her I visited UT and knew it wasn't the right place for me, so I'm staying here. I said "After ALL that, I'm staying." She first told me how happy she was that I was staying and them reminded me that I made an active decision, not a passive one. Then I thought, "Well YES I did make an active decision. I didn't let life just decide things for me, I went out there and looked at my options and made an educated decision that I'm happy with!"
So even though considering these options added some stress to my life, I did make active decisions and that's something to be proud of I guess.
For all of you out there struggling with your own personal demons, I totally sympathesize. I'm thinking of you tonight too, knowing I'm definitely not the only one out there feeling trapped in my life and pushed to my limits. I've heard that the best predictor of future success is past success. If that's true, I'm sure we will all make it through this.
So, here's to making it through in one piece and maybe discovering a few little adventurous moments along the way.

2 Comments:

At April 25, 2005 at 2:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get a Dyson vacuum, it will help you suck your way to happiness and fulfillment!

If you get a chance to write me back, please include your preferred email address, I've been neurotically updating my files. Talk to you soon Rach!

 
At April 27, 2005 at 10:46 AM , Blogger Rachel said...

Jillian -

I registered for a Dyson! I'm excited. :)

 

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