Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Feeling a little lost...

I've been through a lot of mixed emotions in the past year. I can't help but think that last year at this time, I was planning on telling my advisor that I was dropping out of school. I promised myself I'd meet with her before spring break. Next week is spring break again. And I'm still here. Still in Cube #10, at my desk by the window. It somehow leaves me feeling like nothing has changed. I'm still in school, still living here, still teaching, still doing the same things I've been doing. But I suppose a small part of me knows better. I've made some strides in the last year.

It's just a strange feeling -- being in school all these years. Having people ask you when you're done or why you're doing all this or what you've been working on for all this time. How do you explain? How do you explain that there is just so much knowledge in the world? Even a lifetime of education can't possibly scratch the surface? How do you explain your to getting a degree that won't even make you a lot of money in the end? How do you justify it to your own self when faced with all the sacrifices that are required of you?

And lately, I've been okay with all the sacrifices and the years...the rewards and the costs...the uncertainities...the doubts. But as I sit here at my desk, staring at all the piles that represent all the tasks that need to be done...I just feel somewhat lost. Or maybe not lost, but somehow being faced with so many choices of what to do next or what to do first...I just feel paralyzed.

I'm trying to keep a healthy perspective on the semester...but it is so hard. I feel like I might just be on the verge of this cliff...I can feel myself coming to close to it. And it scares me. Because I feel like if I fall into it, and let myself acknowledge everything I'm up against, I'll just drown. And if I drown, then I'll be of no use to myself. I can feel my anxiety creeping up on me...slowly, deliberately. I'm trying to convince it to leave me alone. That I know it's there. I don't need the nudge. I can do it and keep moving and keep plugging away without Anxiety invading my life and forcing me to dissolve into tears of worry and fear that I really am inadequate. But I still sense it. And it makes me feel vulnerable. It's hard to feel confident and vulnerable at the same time.

So I guess that's where I am right now...feeling a little lost and vulnerable. I think I know where I'm headed, but I'm hesitant about the steps to get there.


At March 19, 2007 at 4:41 PM , Anonymous Jillian said...

Hi Rach,
If it helps, I want you to know that I really look up to you and the work you do. I really appreciated interviewing you for class - glad I had that assignment - because it helped me remember how special a person has to be to WANT to keep studying at the level that you are. And let's not forget how helpful you were to me - sending me last minute stuff - I hope you know how much I appreciated that! I am really proud of all your studies, even though I'm not your mom or anyone who's really at liberty to take pride in your success. To conclude, you can relish in knowing that your studies and everything that's related to them do make a difference. :)

At November 12, 2008 at 2:35 AM , Anonymous Willa said...

Great work.


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