Comprehending death

i haven't been on AIM in forever, but i was procrastinating so i signed on to read some away messages and maybe chat with some friends from home. when i looked at one profile though, i read something i wasn't expecting. it was a tribute to a guy i went to college with, one i did many theater shows with. i immediately panicked. was he dead? if so, how? was he sick? i frantically mesaged some people i thought would know.

and i found out, yes, he was gone. after a head on car crash with a drunk driver and three weeks in ICU he died on december 4th. and the funeral was this past weekend. all my friends, the entire improv team, the masque, community development staff...they were all there. except me.

i can't stop thinking about him. but when i try, my brain just stops. i can't comprehend death. how can you picture someone not existing anymore? i mean, even if they exist in heaven or in another way....to us they do not exist. they are vanished, gone.

then i found a bunch of people's blogs that know him and i read all about the funeral and the days leading up to his death and how everyone felt. but i just found out. and it's hard not to have been included.

jess assured me that i would be added to the contact list for the masque (the theater group at la salle) so that i won't be left in the dark in the future.

anyway, once again i feel like things are put into perspective. does it really matter how well i do on this final? is that what is really important?