Thursday, April 09, 2009

Spring Fever

Does spring fever refer to situations where it's so nice outside that you can't concentrate? Or the feeling you have when you want Spring to come? Because I am feverish in my desire for Spring to get here. I was patient all through winter. I knew it would be bad. I expected it. But snow in April? That, I did not expect. And the fact that it gets into the 20's at night means it is not safe to plant flowers outside. This makes me sad.

But, time is so funny that way. In other senses, I feel like I haven't gotten much done this semester. I wish I had more time before the semester ended to feel like I got things accomplished. Jesse keeps reminding me that time and productivity are not linear. Just because I didn't get things done for a few weeks doesn't mean I can't get a ton done in one week. Plus, I'm not a student anymore and my life doesn't revolve around semesters as much...things just have to get done at some point.

I think I'm finally settling into my life here a little more, but part of me still feels lost. It's Easter this weekend and for some reason that makes me sad. Easter wasn't my favorite holiday, but it was a memorable one. My mom used to let me buy a new outfit to wear to church on Easter. I loved that. One year, in fifth or sixth grade, I somehow got away with buying a purple spandex dress with a built-in t-shirt tie to wear. It was not church appropriate, but at the time, I thought it was fabulous. I actually still have that dress. Funny how clothing holds memories like that.

So, it's Easter and I have no new dress to buy and nowhere to wear a new dress to anyway. I'm not part of a church and I don't have family nearby to have a big meal with. I honestly keep forgetting it's Easter...and that makes me sad, too. Not sure what I'm sad about exactly. But it makes me feel like an outsider and it makes me miss all my family back on the east coast.

Today I was supposed to go to a new faculty workshop on effective writing habits. I was running late and hungry and didn't feel like walking a quarter of a mile to get I didn't go. Strangely, I could really use some pointers right now. I know I should be better at this whole self-motivated thing...but I guess I'm not a very consistent person. Sometimes I get a lot done, but lately, I take my time. Try not to stress. But then, that worries me.

Part of it might be that 2008 was a crazy year. Finishing my PhD in record time was a sprint. And I'm out of breath. Even though this year was hard, at least it was a sort of "active recovery", as they refer to in fitness. You're still moving, but at a slower pace, so you can catch your breath and recover.

I'm hoping to burst out of this slow motion movement soon. But I don't even feel a rush about that...

I got a new puppy. I mean, Jesse agreed, but it was definitely more my idea. My mom's first response was "Are you that lonely that you really needed to get a THIRD dog?" She wasn't crazy about the first dog I got, even though he was technically a graduation present from both my parents. I think I just needed a little creature in my life to take care. And I realized, I've gotten dogs around all the big transitions in my life: I got Kito when I started grad school, we got Sake after we got married, and then Yoshi when we moved to Iowa. Three Shibas and the three huge life-altering changes that they represent. I was never allowed to have dogs growing up, so I guess I'm making up for it now.

Yoshi caused a whole new set of problems. Turns out three dogs is a lot more work than two. And I forgot how disruptive a puppy can be in your life. Jesse and I had some issues to work through about that...but now that he's been part of our little "pack" for two months, he is fitting in and life is running more smoothly.

Lots of things are going to change in the next few months. New people are joining our faculty, new grad students will be coming in the fall. I looked at my bus pass today and thought about that. It expires on December 31st, 2009. And I always wonder how different things will be by then. I'll still be standing at my usual bus stop, holding that same bus pass...but things will be different. I always think about things like that, for some reason. Looking at blank calendars of months to come. Or at expiration dates on bus passes.

For now, I should really try to wake myself out of this meandering state I've been in. Try to get something productive done on this Thursday afternoon. I show up every day at work, even though I could work from home most days. I figure that eventually, my office will feel like the kind of place that I can have great ideas in and get lots of stuff done. In the meantime, at least I'm developing the discipline of showing up. That's one step in the right direction, I guess.