Wednesday, November 30, 2005


I wish I had a penseive like Dumbledore in Harry Potter. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then go read the books.

The reason I bring this up is right now I feel like my mind is swimming in a lot of directions, and I wish I could just pull those worries out of my head like a beautiful wispy thread and deposit them into my penseive for safe keeping. Then it wouldn't be in my head rattling around and messing other things up that were in order!

So I am taking a five minute break from my work for complete FREE writing. This is for feel free to stop reading.

I am tired of not being grown up. I want to feel more control of my life. Being a grad student feels like I don't have the privilges of being grown up but I do have a lot of the responsibilities.

I have high hopes and then I get disappointed, but I can't stop hoping for good things to happen. I guess disappointment means you care about something enough to be sad when it doesn't work out.

I check my email all the time hoping for something to come that will give me something to be happy about. I have no idea what that 'something' is most of the time, but I keep looking. I check my mailbox every day for the same reason.

I said this would be free writing, but I'm still editing this post as I write it. What does this say about me?

I went to bed feeling good last night because I got a lot accomplished. I want to feel that way again tonight but I don't want to do what it takes to get there.

I say things and then I always undercut them and backtrack. I deconstruct statements I make AS I am saying them. That is frustrating to me because I feel like the ground I'm standing on is constantly moving. I can't stick with a thought long enough to make sense of it.

Why is that people (i.e. like ME) focus on the one bad things that happens and not all the other great things? Why is it that one critical negative comment has SO much more weight than all the other positive ones? Do we just like to look for the negative? Do we believe those things more than the positive things people say to us?

I wish I could know myself as a kid. I think I might get some insight into who I am today.

Someone just told me they are going shopping for a new car today. That makes me jealous.

I wish I lived in a place that had more sunshine and not so many cloudy days. I also wish I owned a vespa that I could ride around all care-free like.

I wonder how I will ever be able to concentrate on all the things I need to be doing right now when I have so many emotions and so many different thoughts swimming around in my head, crashing into each other, pulling my attention in a lot of different directions. Do I sound crazy?

Hmm. I guess that's enough for now.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

coffee talks

Well, I'm on my third cup of coffee for the day. I guess that isn't so bad, but I wasn't even a coffee drinker a month ago.

Today was long. And tiring. The kind of day where all you're doing is dreaming of how great it's going to feel when you finally climb into bed that night. Instead of realizing that dream, I'm sitting in front of my computer, avoiding the stack of books that are calling my name, feeling guilty. Kind of. And feeling kind of like I don't care. And then feeling guilty about not caring.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of school and why I'm here. I used to be so certain about my reasons before, but lately they haven't seemed like enough to get me through.

What should be the criteria for choosing what we want to do with our lives? I know you spend a lot of time at your job, so I'm assuming it should be something you enjoy. Something you can see yourself doing for a long time. Something that satisfies you in some way. And many jobs do not meet that criteria, so I'm lucky to think that a career in academia might be those things for me. But, I am just really wondering...what is it worth? What is the price I have to pay to have another three letters after my name? And why is it that I want this degree or thought I wanted it?

In my social cognition class we have been talking about motivation and intention and self-control and goals...and how our thoughts link up with our behaviors and how that all works. I feel like I should be able to overcome these challenges and find something, some way to motivate myself and get myself excited about all this...but I even lack motivation in motivating myself.

I don't want to complain though. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself like I do sometimes. I'm just kind of contemplative sitting here with my coffee. I'm wondering why I'm here in the middle of nowhere PA, wondering what it's all worth to achieve something you're not really sure you want anymore.

Well, I guess I can't afford myself the luxury of this meandering anymore. I have things I am required to learn by tomorrow. My brain is sore. The pillow will feel good tonight.

Friday, November 11, 2005

I'm back!

Hello Blog World...

For all of you who have visited this site and found nothing new, I apologize. I promised I'd be back in a few weeks and I didn't come back!

I have been so self-conscious about this blog. I write things and then decide they sound stupid and who would want to read about them anyway. But I decided, who cares? So here it goes.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is dreaming big and the fears that come along with that. I think so many things that we do and we don't do are because of fear. Sometimes it hard to identify what the fear is and sometimes we aren't willing to admit it to ourselves. I am so good at convincing myself of things so that I can stay in my comfort zone. But staying in my comfort zone doesn't help me to grow and it certainly can lead me to be complacent.

One thing I've realized is that everything gets easier with repetition. I used to have such a hard time getting up early. But now that I've been getting up at 6 every morning for the past 10 months, it's easy. I don't even have to think about it anymore. My body starts waking me up at about 5:45 so I don't even need my alarm anymore. I think anything in life is this way -- good or bad. Let's take the good first. If we get used to pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zone, pushing ourselves to do something we are afraid of...then the next time it's easier. The next time, that first step won't be so hard. That is exciting to me. Wouldn't you attempt to conquer a challenge if you knew that every time after that would be just a little easier? Wouldn't you be more likely to try new things?

I want to capitalize on that momentum and the ease that comes with repetition and try to build some good habits. Habits like challenging myself, doing things that I'm afraid of...changing my attitude, re-framing situations in a positive way so that I can keep moving foward and not get paralyzed.

And how does this connect to dreaming big? Well, sometimes I feel like I used to have these big dreams and high hopes...and then reality set in. I told myself all the reasons I couldn't do that or told myself that I should be more realistic. But, what am I afraid of? Am I afraid that I'll really be successful? What if my dream came true -- then what would happen? Or what if I failed and never achieved whatever it is that I wanted to achieve? Is that what I'm afraid of?

It's been a year since I ran the marathon now. Last halloween is when I did it. And I think back to when I first considered training for it. I thought 'no way can I ever in a million years run 26.2 miles! I'm crazy for even thinking I might be able to!' But when I saw everyone else doing it, when I saw people who had less evidence than I did that they would be able to make it...then I decided to give it a try. And I doubted myself a lot and told myself it was stupid for me to try to do this. But in the end, I accomplished my goal...I finished that marathon and from now on, I will always be able to say I did that.

So I guess all this is to say that I'm trying to regain that power that comes with a true belief in myself and my abilities. I want to practice changing my attitude, stop giving myself excuses, and start living big.

What about you?