I'm sitting here on my unmade bed. I always wished I was one of those people that got up in the morning and made my bed first thing. There are a few things scattered on the floor - a box, a bag of christmas presents, some socks, dog toys - although I really did try to clean up yesterday. My bookbag is waiting paitently next to me, ready to assist me, but it does look tired. It is that time of year afterall. Everywhere I turn, there seem to be these things that are in need of attention.
A lot of things have been going through my head lately, some of them more weighty and worth the time than others. Last night I got really down about my body. I haven't really had the time to exercise as much since the marathon, yet I'm still eating just as much as when I was training. I'm sure I've gained a few pounds and it makes me depressed. I don't like how I look. I realize I say a lot of degrading things about myself several times a day and usually to Jesse. It's not that I'm seeking compliments either or wishing he would tell me otherwise. I just have so many of these negative thoughts going through my head that I just have to say some of them sometimes. And it's sad that there are a million more left unsaid.
There's this big part of me that says "This is wrong. Why do you have this standard for yourself? Get out of it. Be happy with who you are." But those affirming voices that are usually so kind to others, are not so kind to me. Even though I can recognize the things that are influencing me and I realize that I'm thinking irrationaly, it doesn't matter. Sometimes you internalize things so much, that you can't separate who you are from these things that were engrained in you. And honestly, I don't want to separate them. I want to keep those standards close to me so that I don't let myself stray too far from what I want to be (or think I want to be). I don't want to accept it and buy bigger clothes. So instead of changing my attitude, which would take a lot of work, I'll just eat less and work out more until I like what I see.
I hate admiting all this. I really do. And maybe someday I'll finally mature enough to realize what's really important, which obviously isn't whether I weigh this amount of that amount.
Other than that, I've been obsessing about my future and decisions coming up with graduate school. Just writing this now I'm starting to feel more stressed about it. So maybe I shouldn't go into the details now. But basically, I just keep weighing my options about whether to stay here for my phd program or move on. There. That sentence made it seem much more simple than it usually seems in my head with all the potential consequences of those decisions swimming around.
On Friday morning, I was frustrated. The morning just got off to a bad start. It was one of those days where I just wanted to settle into a bad mood, wrap it around me like an old comforting blanket, turn off the lights, and wallow. One of those days when you don't want to be cheered up, even if someone is trying really hard to tell you a funny joke and make you smile. Just let me have this one thing, just let me have this bad mood. Don't try to make it go away, not yet.
But, I tried to move against this urge. In the car, I tried my best to turn my mood around. To try to change the trajectory of the day. I put on jewel's christmas album and reminded myself of all the prizes that lay ahead of me, just a week away - being home for the holidays. And, somehow, it worked. Even though it was raining and I forgot my umbrella. Even though I forgot some of the work I needed at home and had an overdue library book. Even though there were a million things I could be upset about if I really looked for them, I didn't. I just tried to float above it all and focus on things outside of myself, focus on the things that were going right.
Later that day, I went to the ring the bell for the Salvation Army with Jesse. I was talking to the couple that runs the local chapter. Here they are helping everyone in the community out, meanwhile their 19 month old grandson almost died last week because of a heart problem. And he still might die. But I bet they have things in perspective. They are familiar with the suffering of others and despite bad things happening in their life, they aren't cutting themselves off from what they can offer to others. And that impresses me. I want to be like that.
First, my life is not that hard and second, I think the best solution to a lot of my issues is just to get out of my own head and my own life and my own problems that seem *so* important to me, and get a reality check. Help someone else out. Try to spend more hours of my day thinking and focusing on other people. This might help me, I think.
Anyway, I suppose I've rambled enough over here.
Here's to a productive week with a positive attitude and a cheerful outlook. Here's to looking out at others instead of looking inward. Here's to being a good friend to others with the hopes that we will learn to be a good friend to ourselves as well.
